*** Maya AMESSAN ***

I find it hard to stay focused on anything other than Ryan's lips. I can't really hear what he says so overwhelmed by how much I feel for him. Ryan, I've always been in love with him, from the first day I saw him in high school with his little sister who was my classmate and best friend. The problem with me is that I never had the courage to tell him how I felt about him. My shyness has always kept me from doing that. So there were all these girls around him and also the ones they dated. They were real bombs compared to me who were nothing attractive. I kept telling myself that a guy as good looking as he was never interested in me. Lack of confidence has always been my fault. I have always seen myself inferior to others. Less beautiful, less attractive, less sexy, less elegant, less everything. Basically, the others have everything more than me. How many times at my home in front of the mirror have I rehearsed how to make my statement to him? How many times did I whisper "I'm in love with you" when he had his back to me? But I never managed to tell him. Her sister encouraged me but I was too weak. And several years later when I saw him again here at the office, my heart leapt. The feelings were still as intact as ever but as I thought about a technique of approach, Cynthia got ahead of me and she got it right. I don't blame him, far from it. I'm not that kind of person willing to ruin a friendship because of a man. I respect their relationship even though it hurts a little bit. Also Cynthia has never really been lucky in love so this is just her luck and I will cheer her on at all times.

Ryan: So?

Me: Uh yes that's very beautiful. M Terry will like it. You are good you know.

Ryan: Thanks. But thank you for giving me your point of view each time. It helps me a lot.

He strokes my hand which hits me.

Ryan: Are we going to have lunch?

Me: Uh, don't you see Cynthia?

Ryan: No we'll see you tonight.

Me: Ah ok I see ..

Sitting in the restaurant, we discuss the good old days. Times his sister and I spent with his gang. I feel happy chatting with him even though it's just a friend. He makes me laugh out loud which turns people's heads towards me.

Ryan: You always laugh the same way. Your laughter never went unnoticed.

It does something to me that he remembers my laughter.

Me: Yeah. I haven't really changed you know.

Ryan: Oh I think you've changed a lot.

Me: Really?

Ryan: Yeah. You have become twice as beautiful as before.

There I blush so much that I have to lower my head especially so that he does not see my confusion.

Me: Thanks a lot Ryan.

Ryan: How come you're single?

Me: I'm not really into that.

Ryan: What are you running from men?

Me: Let's say I have a hard time falling in love.

Ryan: Usually when a person has a hard time falling in love, it's either they've had a lot of grief or they're already in love with someone they just can't be. Which case are you in?

Me (drinking my juice): The second.

Ryan: Do I know him as the lucky one of your heart?

You, I want to say. But I hold back.

Me: Uh no. It’s an old acquaintance that I have lost sight of.

Ryan: But why don't you move on?

Me: I tried but couldn't do it.

I quickly change the subject because this one really makes me uncomfortable. I don't want to talk about my love life because he's the only actor in my grief. I don't mean to accidentally say something that might make him understand everything.

Ryan: Oh by the way there is Marc who told me he had a thing for you. I'm telling you about it so you can see if you can give it a go with him. It might help you forget the other one. He wants to invite you tonight.

It hurts when the one you love wants to hook up with another man. I take it upon myself and continue to smile like nothing has happened.

Me: Okay that's understood but I already know it's not going to work.

Ryan: Don't say that without trying.

Me: Okay. So it's time to get back to work.

In the evening when I come back from my little dinner alone with Marc, my heart breaks when I hear moans coming from Cynthia's room. She and Ryan are having sex. Brilliant. I stand there wondering if I should go and lock myself in my room or just come out. It hurts to hear the man you love to make love to another. I hear Cynthia's door open and I run outside. I pretend to open the door and go inside again.

Me: Oh Ryan are you there?

Ryan: Uh yeah. Was that your date with Marc?

I do. Cynthia you look really happy to me what's going on?

Cynthia (clinging to Ryan): I'm just in love.

Me: Ah ok. Ryan are you staying for dinner?

Cynthia: No, we're going out to dinner tonight.

Me: Okay good I wish you a good evening lovers.

Cynthia gives me a kiss and they leave. They exit at the same time that Olivia comes in.

Olivia: What's going on? Why are you looking weird?

Me: I heard them making love.

Olivia: Oh Virgin Mary mother of God. I'm so sorry baby.

Me (smiling): No big deal. So tell me what you want to eat and let me go. I nibbled outside with a colleague.

Olivia: It's okay for me too. I also had dinner with Brice.

Me (smiling): Hmm? The two of you have become very close.