(DONOVAN)

When I rang Gavin's doorbell, I was still furious. Anger oozed from my pores in the form of sweat, and small tremors shook my hands. But as soon as I saw Amanda answer, all that negativity seemed to vanish like magic. Her usually contemplative gaze was fearful; my tone must have alarmed her. And, of course, Gavin should have mentioned what happened outside the tea house. All I want is to touch her face, but I can’t. Not without speaking to her first and understanding the whole situation.

I’m relieved when she agrees to talk with me, and even more so when I see that Gavin doesn’t intervene. My biggest fear was causing a scene in front of Amanda, and how that could shatter any trust or sense of security she had in us. Although I never shy away from risks, that was definitely one I wasn’t willing to take. She was dressed in a typical Carioca style: a black shot, a red t-shirt with no print, and now a pair of flip-flops. I should have been dressed the same way, given the infernal heat of this equally infernal day.

In the elevator, I notice her head remains downcast. Guilt overwhelms me, and I say softly:

— You don’t need to be afraid of me.

She looks at me.

— I’m not afraid of you, Donovan.

— Really?

— No... — Amanda fiddles with her longer hair. — I’m just worried.

— I know. But everything will be resolved soon, I promise you.

She nods, diverting her gaze.

Once we’re on the ground floor, I decide to ask her:

— Amanda, I won’t lie. Today has been very tough, and I really need to take a shower, change my clothes, and eat something... But I also urgently need to talk to you. Would you mind... — I repeat deeply. — Coming with me to my place?

The girl looks at me surprised, but says:

— It’s okay. No problem.

— Great. I left my car on the next block, at the square where we were that day. Let’s head there.

The walk is brief, and Amanda remains lost in thought, whatever they may be. I’m also deeply contemplating what to do and how to do it. Her small frame compared to mine is striking, and all I want is to hold her in my lap. That constant worried expression on her face unsettles me, and I fear that this situation might trigger some kind of nervous breakdown. Dr. Solloman told me many years ago, in one of our many conversations, that triggers should always be avoided. I sincerely hope this obvious tension isn’t one of them.

Once inside the car, I calm her down:

— I don’t live far. About twenty minutes and we’ll be there, okay?

— Okay — she whispers.

— How are you feeling? I mean, besides worried?

— ... Curious.

— Really?

— Yes. I’ve never been to your house before.

And this was mainly due to my lack of free time and occasional neglect in taking care of her. Gavin always had the advantage; I knew it wasn’t my paranoia to see things that way. I stop at a red light.

— It’s a big house. You’ll like it.

— It’s not an apartment, then?

— No. It’s a two-story little mansion, a bit further away from the buildings. It’s quiet and comforting, to say the least.

— A little mansion? — She raises one eyebrow.

— Spacious enough to run and jump as much as you want, but not enough to feel like you’re in a shopping mall — I joke.

Surprisingly, she laughs. It’s the most beautiful sound in the world. I’m astonished.

The rest of the journey is smooth, and in a few minutes, we arrive. I manage to ease the tense frown that had overtaken Amanda’s features, and though she still looks slightly serious, she seems more relaxed and less likely to react negatively. We get out of the car, and I close the garage. We enter through the door that connects to the inside of the house.

Hesitant, Amanda climbs the few steps of the staircase and faces my living room. Curious, she turns her head to see all the furniture, paintings, and small knick-knacks here and there that are part of the décor. I put my hands in my pockets and silently let her observe. Then she turns to me.

— It’s beautiful.

— Ah, it’s just a part — I wink. — I’ll show you the rest later. Do you want something to eat?

— No, no, thank you...

— Don’t be modest.

— I’m serious. I’m not hungry — it’s so cute to see her shy like that. I can’t stop admiring every little detail I see in her personality.

— Alright. Then at least have some water. Sit down, and I’ll bring it to you.

I head to the kitchen fridge and grab a pitcher of cold water. I notice I have slight tremors in my fingers, but for entirely different reasons than before. She’s here, at my house, and alone with me. Gavin is far away and can’t interfere in anything. I’ll need to be very careful with the words I say, the tone I use, and the message conveyed. One mistake, and everything could be misinterpreted and thrown away. I take a deep breath.

When I return to the living room and offer her the glass of water, I point to the other room and say she can feel free to watch TV or listen to music if she wants, and that I’ll be back quickly. Then I head upstairs.

The hallway contains four different rooms: my bedroom with an attached bathroom, a guest room, a personal office that I used as a library, and a closet. At the end of the hall is the huge balcony/terrace, where I could have social gatherings, barbecues, or anything like that. The gym is on the ground floor, as well as another bathroom, the kitchen, and the private pool area.

I pick out a pair of shorts and a white shirt and head for a shower, which takes ten minutes. Clean and feeling human again, I head down the stairs to the ground floor. Instead of watching a program or listening to music, Amanda found one of my economics books and is frowning at the pages, probably struggling to absorb the information. I chuckle softly. The sound makes her lose focus and look for me. She then stands up.

— You look very handsome — her compliment is sincere and unexpected. I feel embarrassed.

— It’s your eyes. Just wait a bit longer; I’ll prepare something for us to eat.

— But I’m not hungry...

— Oh, will you come with me for a bit? I have butter cookies here. Do you like them?

She nods.

— Then at least have one.

Amanda agrees. Five minutes later, I’m armed with cookies, juice, cereal bars, and yogurt. I also brought two huge sandwiches, which Amanda looks at with astonishment.

— Are you going to be able to eat all this?

I laugh.

— I usually eat much more — I hold the tray with the snacks and point to the stairs. — Let’s go upstairs.

As we cross the hallway, Amanda seems perplexed by the size of the balcony but says nothing. I point to one of the blue tables in the corner, where the tile shelters us from the harsh sun. It’s not as stifling anymore, but staying in direct sunlight doesn’t seem like a good idea. I arrange the items on the table and sit in front of her. I encourage her to eat a cookie, and she does so timidly.

A few seconds of silence pass, and all we hear is the sound of some birds. I take a sip of juice, breathing deeply and looking into the depths of her eyes. This mere visual interaction is enough for me to see the sincerity of her heart, the hope still alive within her chest, and how willing she was to make things work. I also see a secret emotion in the sparkle of her irises and the curve of her sad smile. Her fingers are intertwined, and her breathing is audible.

— Amanda.

She remains silent, still gazing deeply at me. She’s waiting for me to speak.

— Amanda, I... I need to, to start with, apologize to you. I’m sorry for being absent for two weeks. And I’m sorry for making you believe that I would do anything to harm your relationship with Gavin. I just want to make it clear that I would never do that to you.

She nods in agreement. I continue:

— And I also need to confess that... Over these past few months... I’ve been thinking a lot about you.

My heart races more and more, and it’s hard to stay calm, but I relax and keep the narrative flow without rushing.

— I think about you before I sleep and when I wake up. I think about you when I’m at work, signing documents and analyzing data. I think about you when we talk, or when I see you reading a book or doing anything else. You don’t leave my mind... and I don’t want you to.

I restrain my urge to touch her face, so instead, I open a cereal bar.

— I know you must be in some kind of endless hell, and the things you’ve been through are so horrible that you don’t even have the courage to tell us all. And you can be sure that even if you never can, I’ll understand. I’ve been in that place, in that situation once. And I know how hard it is to trust others, what they say and do. I know how it feels to want to believe in them but always be expecting the worst.

I notice her eyes

are glistening. I sigh and continue speaking:

— But I also know that there’s always a light at the end of the tunnel, and that it is possible to climb out of the pit. I did, and I want to see you out of it too. But more than that, I want you to know that... — Here it goes. — I’m in love with you.

Saying those words gives me an incredible sense of lightness, as if two huge weights were lifted from my shoulders immediately. Amanda seems emotional but says nothing. She remains still, staring at me almost without blinking.

— I want you by my side, holding my hand. I want to protect you, take care of you, and give you everything you need. I wish to see you well, healthy, and happy. And I’m willing to do whatever it takes to ensure you have the best of everything. ... I want you to be mine, Amanda. — Then, for the first time since I started speaking, I avert my gaze. — But I know I’m not the only one. And I’m not dishonest or hypocritical to claim that Gavin can’t offer you all of that too.

Amanda is embarrassed by all the things I’ve said to her, but I know she’s paying attention to every word and just waiting for the right moment to say something. So I continue, speaking calmly:

— I’m not demanding anything from you. You’re free, little one, and you can make any decision you want, and I will never treat you differently. The priority here is your happiness, not mine. And I’m not saying you should decide now who will win your heart in the end. But...

My lips are trembling with emotion, finally opening up to this special girl.

— I need to know. Do you... feel something for me?

. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .

(AMANDA)

Donovan’s words are filled with affection, passion, tenderness, and firmness at the same time, and even though he’s speaking in a soft tone, I can tell how nervous he is. He must be feeling particularly vulnerable doing this, which doesn’t escape my notice. A big man like him fearing rejection or being stepped on by a girl who is practically half his size...

As soon as he asks what I feel for him, I don’t hesitate to respond.

— I’m in love with you too, Donovan.

Unlike Gavin, who immediately rejoiced upon hearing my sentimental confession, Donovan remains serious. He wants to hear me finish the sentence before he absorbs what I’m saying.

— ... And you’re right about one thing. Gavin... Gavin is also in love with me.

— But are you in love with him? — That was the question that really mattered.

I lower my head, embarrassed.

— Yes — the answer comes out as a whisper.

Seconds of silence. He adjusts himself in the chair, thinking about what to say. Then he speaks again.

— I understand. And... How are you feeling about this?

— What? — I’m genuinely surprised.

— You’re worried about what Gavin and I are feeling, but you haven’t said how it affects you.

I blink. Indeed, I haven’t shared these emotions with Gavin. Yes, I’ve cried out of frustration and guilt, but I haven’t said a single word. And now Donovan, who I always thought was the most serious and perhaps the most brusque of the two friends, was here looking at me with kindness and warmth, asking if I wanted to share this burden with him.

I can’t help but let a tear slide down my face. Donovan immediately gets up and comes to my side, kneeling and wiping the shy drop. Our faces are very close now, and his hand still rests on my face.

— Tell me. — He asks.

— I... — It’s hard to say anything with him so close to me. My heart is galloping so fast that I’m afraid it might leap out of my mouth. — I feel like I can’t do this. That I can’t be between both of you, or threaten the friendship you have... — I shiver a little, overwhelmed by emotions. — I’m afraid of destroying a strong bond just by existing... and by feeling what I feel for both of you...

Before I can complete my thought, Donovan’s lips are on mine. It’s brief, and he pulls away immediately, but not too far. Then he says:

— Don’t feel guilty for showing up in our lives, Amanda. You are a true gift. And I swear, here and now, that for the rest of my life, no matter how long it takes or whatever happens between us, I will make sure you are happy. Do you understand?

More silent tears flood my face, and I nod. His two hands hold my face, firmly yet gently, and slowly, he moves closer to me again. I’m completely surrendered, and it’s obvious Donovan notices this. Slowly, he kisses me, and this time he doesn’t just press his lips against mine. His mouth moves against mine, and I follow. We’re testing how far I can go, what the boundary is that I can cross.

Before I know it, I hear a soft moan from the handsome man now with me, and I feel his tongue. Still overwhelmed by the sensations, I place my hands on his warm, freshly shaved face... And press my tongue against his.

The world stops spinning.