(GAVIN)

Gavin is kissing me. Sort of.

His mouth doesn’t move the way it should in a kiss, and there’s no hint of tongue. It’s more like a breath, a whisper in the breeze. His warm lips touch mine subtly, and the motion catches me so off guard that I can barely breathe.

My sobs are subsiding, despite my complete vulnerability. All the confusion about the two guys and the feelings they both clearly had for me, plus the sad and inevitable revisit to my most painful memories had turned on my waterworks. I simply couldn’t stop crying, and when Gavin whispered in the darkness, it only made things worse. However, it was as if my body begged for his presence at that moment. The horror of physical touch simply vanished, at least temporarily, as I entwined my legs with his.

His affection and murmurs filled my heart with hope, and calm slowly settled in. Echoes of stress were still present, but the avalanche had passed. And at this moment, I’m motionless and processing the fact that Gavin’s mouth is touching mine.

I feel his breath, uneven and difficult, then his lips part from mine. I say nothing; even if I wanted to, I couldn’t. Then I feel his fingers on my face, mimicking exactly the caress I had given him in the bathroom. Like the kiss, it was also light and subtle as butterfly wings.

My heart beats so loud and hard that I’m afraid he can hear it. We don’t move an inch apart, and one of his hands still remains under my shirt, resting and motionless on my back. The darkness fills the whole room, and apparently, the lamp won’t be turned on anytime soon.

Silence. Then he holds me tighter and kisses me once more, this time on the cheek.

With contemplation and devotion like a faithful servant to a goddess, Gavin gives several kisses to every inch of my face, all with much passion and tenderness. The only sound present in the room is the soft popping of his kisses and the deep sounds coming from his throat. I feel he’s trembling; is he nervous or deeply satisfied?

After the kisses, I finally feel him move a little closer to the edge of the bed, still without letting me go, and he pulls the lamp's cord. The blue light faintly illuminates the room, not disturbing our eyes at all. Gavin’s eyes are half-closed, but not with sleep. He looks like a relaxed kitten. He sits up and leans against the headboard, finally letting me go.

“I...” his voice is hoarse and whispered.

I also sit up and lean beside him. Then I look at the wall, trying to focus on breathing calmly and getting rid of the imminent crying sensation.

“Are you okay?”

I look at him. His eyes are fixed on me, especially on my mouth. I nod.

“Do... Do you... Do you want to talk about what happened?”

I count to three and exhale through my nose. Once I have the necessary assurance, I say:

“I do.”

He’s startled. Then he moves closer to me, but without touching me.

“Amanda...”

“Gavin,” I say simply, giving a small smile. He doesn’t return my smile. He seems deeply hypnotized.

Despite my declaration, neither of us manages to speak. What happened here and now would be marked between us like iron and fire. There was no detail, no justification to muffle what had occurred. And what did it mean, after all? What would we have to do from now on? Would we need to do something?

After a few seconds, I lick my lips and look down, embarrassed:

“I didn’t mean to wake you...”

“You didn’t wake me,” he scratches his chin and the thin beard that’s growing. “I was awake the whole time.”

“Then why did you say good night?”

“Because I thought you were going to sleep.”

“I was going to...”

More silence. I resume speaking:

“I just felt... so... overwhelmed.”

He observes me carefully.

“I think... I’ll never be able to. I’ll never be able to forget everything,” I look at him, anguished.

“You won’t forget, Amanda. But that doesn’t mean you won’t be able to live in peace.”

“Peace...” I murmur.

“Peace of mind is possible. It’s difficult, of course. But it can be achieved if... If you’re willing, and with the necessary help and support.”

I furrow my brows, but say nothing.

“Amanda...” he calls me.

I look at him once again, waiting for him to speak.

“I... I need to tell you something.”

Gavin adjusts himself and moves closer to me, and this time he touches my knee over the blanket.

“Amanda,” he clears his throat. “I... You and I... We...”

I keep staring at him, patiently waiting for him to organize his own thoughts. My heart is no longer racing as before. It’s as if a true calmness has taken over me.

“It’s been a while since...” he pauses.

The anticipation of the sentence makes my heart beat slightly faster.

“Since I’ve been in love with you,” he finally declares.

Fireflies and butterflies whirl in my stomach. I don’t know what to say, nor how to react exactly. However, Gavin isn’t shaken by my silence. As if finally opening a door that had remained locked for a long time, he continues:

“I think about you all the time. I imagine you with me, holding hands, walking through the park or anywhere else. I imagine you and me doing almost the same things we do every day, but... But differently. You know, I want you. I want you with me.” And then his voice becomes more assertive, something extremely rare to happen. “I want you to be... mine.”

I gasp. He continues:

“However, I know that you and I can’t be together like that. You’re very fragile, trying to rebuild yourself and overcome all the horrible things you’ve been through. I want you to know that what I feel... It doesn’t change the fact that you can stay here, and you don’t need to respond to my advances or feel indebted to me. I do this because I really like you, and not because I want some kind of compensation... However... It’s your right to know this. And I... I’m very happy to finally say this to you...”

Before I can say anything, he plants a warm kiss on the palm of my hand, so full of reverence and affection that I remain silent. But then Gavin finally contemplates my features, waiting for me to respond.

I take a deep breath. This would be a long night.