“Then you really are concerned about other people. I don’t understand why you keep denying it.”
“No, I don’t. I… Heck, I don’t know, okay?” He frowned. “Stop asking questions, Alison!”
Even if Alexandros was a little moody at that time, I still treat that as one of our beautiful memories together. In fact, all the moments I shared with him were all beautiful memories regardless of the supernatural thingy going around.
“You are making me want to dream again, Alison,” Alexandros whispered after a few seconds.
I cupped his face with my hands. “And what’s the problem with that? Is dreaming such a bad thing?”
“Yes.” Pain was palpable in his eyes. “I told you I’m in love with you.”
I nodded. I’ve known long before those words came out of his lips. He wouldn’t have done the things he did without a reason. My safety was never his responsibility. But he made it his. He didn’t have to indulge me by agreeing with this bothersome deal, but he did. He was a busy man. He didn’t have to be here with me today, but he showed up looking so needlessly handsome in his maroon turtleneck top and khaki pants that he took my breath away again. All the female divers’ eyes were on him and yet, he did not seem to notice because he was looking at me the entire time as if he was seeing nobody else but me in this huge place.
Alexandros was already at the entrance and waiting for me when I came here although I knew that throughout my journey to Balagbag Falls, he was with me. I smelled his scent. And I felt his presence.
All the things that he did were more than proofs that he was in love with me, too. I was blessed enough to realize his feelings. But I did not think that I would be even more blessed to hear him say it.
“Yes, I heard you loud and clear. And I am really grateful, Alexandros.”
“You make me anticipate tomorrow. You make me want to believe in all the good things. You are teaching my heart to believe in your God. And this worries me so damn much. Because I’ve been through all this before, Alison. What if I end up losing you, too? If you’re just meant to pass by in my life, then please do pass by. But don’t try to stay longer than you should have. Don’t stay even for a few minutes longer. That way, I wouldn’t hope for anything more.”
The suffering and the plea in his eyes broke my heart.
“Alexandros-“
“Ssh. You always talk too much.” He pressed his index finger on my lips. “Let me talk this time. Listen very well because I will never say these words twice. I don’t think I would have the guts to say this again tomorrow or the following days to come. Alison, when I chose to make a deal with you, when I chose to be with you for a month, I knew I chose to be happy. I don’t know why the heck I appear unshakable in your eyes. But Alison, I’m just an ordinary man especially when it comes to love.” He drew a sharp breath. “I do have my own fair share of fears, too. And it sucks, but the root of those fears is you. I’m afraid to hurt you. I’m afraid that if I’d dare to look away for a while, something bad might happen to you. I’m afraid that I might not be enough to protect you.”
My brows knitted. “You’re afraid? You?”
“Well, I don’t have to be human to be afraid.”
“But why are you thinking like that? Isn’t it too soon to worry? Besides, you were able to protect me so well for the past years.”
“That’s not enough for me. I’ve become afraid to be weak, Alison, because being weak meant not being able to protect your light. But there were moments when weakness just strikes the hell out of me, especially when I encounter the people from where I came from. It’s hard to explain right now.” His shoulders flopped. “I’m also afraid of what I feel when I’m with you. I like how everything seems to fall into place because you are here with me. And I’m afraid to get used to it.
“I’m afraid to dream again. Because as the mortals say, when your broken dreams have cost you a lot, dreaming a new dream takes great courage. That was the reason why it’s difficult for me to trust, hope, try, and love again,” Alexandros added before he started putting a distance between us. “Look at me. I’m nothing but a wretched man now, Alison. What you see in me now was the result of all the nasty things that took place in my life. That’s why as early as now, I want you to know that this thing between us could break the both of us in the end.”
Alexandros stopped and stared at me as if he was contemplating whether to continue or not. “And most of all… I’m afraid because after thirty days, I might never want to let you go ever. That’s why as early as now, I want you to tell me if you will be okay knowing all those things about me. Can you accept me like this? Would you be okay with all the fears and the broken pieces of me, Alison?”
There. After our first meeting back in Rotterdam, Alexandros was finally saying something about his self. That was a good start. Instead of answering right away, I turned my back and swam towards the shore. But before I rose from the water, I heard him say something in a low voice.
“I get it. You wouldn’t be okay with all this. And I wouldn’t blame you.”
When the wind blew, I rubbed my hands together before I turned to face Alexandros who was still in the water.
“It’s not that I wouldn’t take you. It’s just that the water is getting colder. And I wouldn’t be able to hug you there."