“SHE wanted to kick us out. Believe me, I only did this today. I didn’t want to do this, too!” He ran his fingers over his hair out of frustration. “All I want is to-“
“What exactly do you want? To ruin your life just so we could pay the rent?” I asked in a low but firm voice. “Didn’t I tell you not to worry about it? You’ll graduate in a few months. I told you to just focus on studying!”
Jasper covered his face with his hands. “I can’t do that! I was desperate and scared! I already asked my friends for help, but it wasn’t enough. I couldn’t even call Kuya Rem because I knew you wouldn’t like that. I had a few savings, but because of the school activities and projects, I’ve already spent all of it.”
Suddenly, I feel like I’m no longer looking at my twenty-two year old brother. The one in front of me seemed older than that. Jasper’s eyes… looked old. Gone were the traces of youth there. I stepped back. The disappointment I feel towards myself just kept on growing more and more while looking at him.
“Jasper-“
“You sacrificed everything for us already. Did you think I wouldn’t know that you sold your dream in order to pay Mama’s hospital bills? You weren’t really working as a freelance proof-reader in a publication! I heard your conversation with Greta a week ago! And I was devastated. But I couldn’t say anything. How could I? I know that what I’m feeling is nothing compares to what you’re going through. If you were able to sell your dreams for us, I was afraid that you’d be able to sell more of you in order to provide for us. I don’t want you to end up losing yourself completely just for us.”
I was stunned. I just stared at my brother for a while. Because of the tragedy that befell our family, he had to stop studying for a year. Right now, he had a part time job as a service crew in a fast food restaurant. He was a scholar and he was the one who pays for some of his school fees. And if he had extra money to spare, he would make sure to buy food for our family. Despite that, he was able to maintain his high grades. That’s why I was very proud of Jasper.
I was aware that Jasper was having a hard time but he never complained. For me, Jasper and Demi were my biggest achievements in life. Because I was able to raise them well. I may have failed my parents and myself, I may have made several mistakes in the past, but I felt like I was able to do one thing right. And it was raising Jasper and Demi. But with what was happening, I’m beginning to doubt if that really was the case.
Looking at my brother now made my heart ache. Sorrow and desperation were all over his eyes. I could not remember the last time that I stopped for a while to look at my brother, to really look at him. Because I felt like I was always running out of time since there were so many things I needed to do.
I make sure that I get to talk to everyone in the family when the night comes because I wanted to stay updated in their day-to-day lives outside the house. It was one of our house rules. But I realized that I had just been looking at Jasper. But all these time, I failed to see right through him. It was only today that I noticed the sadness in his eyes. He had become a pretender. Because whenever we see each other, he would act like everything was all right.
Now, even if Jasper was wearing a clean shirt, everyone could see that it was worn-out. I could not remember the last time I bought him a shirt. He had glued the soles of his shoes a few times before. He had also stitched the straps of his bag just so he could use them for a longer time. I couldn’t even treat him in a nice restaurant. He used to be very picky when it comes to food but now, he’d eat whatever was on the table.
That’s because every time Greta would give me my share from the manuscript, it goes straight to the house rent, water and electric bill, food, and Demi’s allowance. We used to have an emergency fund but I spent them all when Demi was hospitalized because of dengue.
Jasper was forced to mature early.
Realizing all that suddenly made me feel ashamed… and pathetic. Because I failed even as a breadwinner, he was forced to steal from someone. Jasper’s future was bright. And now, he was tormented because of the secret that I never wanted him to find out. But he discovered nonetheless.
“Stop writing for other people, Sis. You can tell Greta that I will help you pay her once I graduated, once I get a job. It will happen soon, I promise. Just stop selling your dream.” Jasper’s voice was almost begging. He stepped towards me and held my hand. “I want you to know that I will understand should you decide to give up on our mother. I will never take it against you. How could I? You did your best already. You did all that you could for Mama that’s why I’m sure she’d understand whatever your decision is. Maybe everyone was right. Maybe she really wouldn’t wake up anymore. It’s been eight years, after all, sis. Maybe we really should let her go. Maybe-“
I screamed. “Shut up! Who are you to tell me to give her up? You don’t know anything, Jasper!”
Jasper was taken aback and when he recovered, he lowered his head. Not long after and I saw how tears fell down his cheeks.