Chapter 1

Whenever I think of what I was and I am now. I'm crying. I'm hurting. I am crushed.
If it were possible to meet me now and me then, I was the child then. I'm sure he won't recognize me anymore. I'm sure he'll think I'm a bad person. Monster. Monster.

Dear Self. For you, I am the child. I apologize to you. Sorry. Sorry. Sorry. Sorry. Forgive me for what I have done to you today. Sorry.

I'm sorry because I chose to be like this rather than settle down. Sorry for not fulfilling your dreams then for us. Sorry because I ruined your future. Sorry because I ruined your future. Forgive me for ruining your life. Sorry for ruining your family. Forgive me for breaking you with your relatives, breaking you with your friends, breaking you with people. Sorry for embarrassing you. Forgive me for making you a bad person in their eyes and in the sight of God. Forgive me for ruining your character. In sanity and above all in your soul. Forgive me for ruining your life. Forgive me above all for making you a bad child of God. Forgive me I came. Forgive me I am a Child.

I thought so when I was young. That my destiny will be good when I grow up. By the way.
I no longer expect it to be difficult to live in this world especially if you are not in Christ-Jesus.
Actually lbg, now. I can no longer feel anything. The bad is really bad of my habit. I abuse my parents. I answer them with a rebuke. I have no respect. I hate Dad. Because of his bad treatment of us.

The phrase "I just woke up one day like this" doesn't apply to me. Because I know that's not true. Because every day I know the reason why I became like this.
I became like this because of the bad things I went through when I was young until now. Most of all I became like this because of my own doing. Because this is the path I have chosen. I became like this because I chose it rather than being a good person.

So now. I can feel my Karma. I'm having a hard time. I just feel angry.
Anger, Sadness, resentment, envy. Yes, I don't feel good anymore. I can no longer feel pity. Pity myself. I no longer know how to love. It's really just anger. Anger for myself. For the people around me.
Now I don’t have a job. Instead I help my family. I'm still overweight. From December to this June I still don't have a job. I'm lazy. that is why.

I'm just lying. Cellphone. Asleep. Cloth. That's just my job. Yes I am a burden. Deepen. No indebtedness to Parents. So this is me now. Kinarma. The karma I am experiencing now is severe. I really can't take it anymore. I'm in a lot of pain. I want to repent. But why is that? I don’t feel remorse. My heart is numb. I pray to Him. But I can't give myself completely to Him. I can't say and confess all my marriages to Him. My behavior is really bad. I don't think I really have any hope. Is it really gone?
I have no more dreams. I no longer have motivation. I no longer have a goal in life. My life is really wasted. Is it really a waste?

In the next chapters I will tell the story of my childhood life until I grew up. I will tell you what happened to me. Why my life turned out like this. Why I did this to myself. Whether someone reads or not is fine. Because for me. This is my diary. The only difference is that it's public but you don't know me. You don't know who I am.

For now the first thing I will tell you is what I am doing now. Same as past days, past months and years. Here I am lying again while cell phone. Parang tanga lancg diba. I'm really lazy. Worthless.

I'm here in my room lying while Mama is here in my room on the cell phone. Yes Mom. Yes, he has a cell phone
Oh, isn't that Mama's taray. Now he's having a lot of fun with cell phones. He used to watch Eat I, now he doesn't. Hahaha. I'll worry first but he hasn't slept yet. Oh diba.

My brother, on the other hand, was outside with his friends. But he doesn't drink. It's just his friends. Because his foot hurts. How come? Drinking drinking. His foot always hurt. Swollen, sore. It's probably Gout.
We went to the Doctor at the Public Hospital near here in our area. Free check-Up only. That's all. The laboratory has not yet been scheduled. Because I'm lazy. Because I didn't go out. It's been a month. So now. I feel guilty. Because he hasn't been to the laboratory yet.

Dad was at work. He will come home later. In the next chapters I will tell you something about my Dad that until now I still cannot believe and accept. Just in the next chapters I will tell you. I know you won't learn anything from my story. But I still want to share it here.

But first, that's how Dad was at work coming home this afternoon. There he worked with an acquaintance of ours. He has been involved in that work many times. And now he is included again. Because Papa left there for one of the jobs he was working for. The old one. How about it. Didn't take Labor. Dad just worked alone. No snacks yet. That old man is crazy. Swapang

So far this is just my first chapter. Watch out for the next ones. This story is based on real life. It is not permitted to reproduce it without the permission of the said author.

Let's find out oh how will I overcome this tragedy of my Life.