Chapter 19: My Nanny
"FERA HONEY, WAKE UP," a soft voice entered her ears which made her open her eyes. She almost cried and jump to her when she saw who was it.
"Nana Felly," she whispered and the lady hugged her. After a tight hug, she stared at her white hair and white wrinkled face. Her caring stares made her feel comfortable. "Are you really here?"
"Of course," and she gave her another embrace, while Fera felt was just completely home. Fred may be evil sometimes but never did he fail to surprise Fera. She cooked for Fera and took care of her. She did all her laundry and never fail to check her once in a while. Before the day ends they had dinner together.
"When will you come home?" Her nanny asked. But Fera lost her words, she was never disrespectful to her nanny. She drank her water and cleared her throat.
"Nothing sooner," her cold answer was not new to her. She lives with her all her life.
"Why? Don't you miss hope?" Her caring voice and motherly tone was her weakness. But she took a deep breath and looked at her in her eyes.
"Nana, this is the peace that I never had since day one after I went out from my mother's womb." She utter in her most calm voice, while her nana pulled a gentle smile and held her right hand.
"Anything you want, honey. But don't take long, everyone needs you."She had left no choice but to nod. Yet deep inside, she wanted nothing but to forget everything behind. "I need to go home tomorrow, you might not find me when you wake up." She only took a full spoon and nodded, she may miss her nanny but it wasn't safe that someone like her would visit her. That was all her concern, she just couldn't lose what she have now.
"Okay," she answered.
"Do you want me took cook something for your breakfast before I go?" asked the old lady. But a hard lump in her throat was too much to speak, she might break into a sob or cracked her voice. Deep inside, she was dying to tell her nanny everything she have in her heart. She wished to share everything that happened but she couldn't. Opening up was such a hard job for her.
She shook her head and continued eating. Her nanny kept looking at her dear Fera.
"Every word deserves freedom as you are." The connection between them was never weak, no matter how hard she restrain her words, she could never fool her nanny. She dropped her spoon and fork and then look at her nanny across her.
"I had a friend," after dropping those words, she fell into sobbing. "And I think I lost him now, I need to." The only person who could witness her misery was the nanny she trusted the most. The only living creature that she felt cared for her genuinely. Considering the fact that she knew how to calm Fera and how to handle her at her lowest level.
She held both of her hands, she held them tight and firm, enough for Fera to feel her warm palm. Which mattered to her more than it seemed, it was enough to make her feel that someone was there and hold her hand, she wasn't alone and someone could hold her when she could to herself.
"I never doubt your decision and judgment," her familiar voice was melody to her ears, in her room usually filled with silence, there was her voice that touched her heart. A comfort to her, her words meant that I support you to any of your choices, she never asked what happened, all she did was wait for her to open up. Fera was that sensitive, the more you asked her about what happened to her, the more she would hold her tongue. It was offensive to her and she would fall into a question, why do you need to know? Do you have something to do it? She'd be suspicious the more you interrogate.
That old lady was the only person that understands Fera well, but even she couldn't predict her moves, choice, and perspective. All she knew is how to take care of her. She stood and gave her a soft embrace.
"I couldn't lose him too." She whispered under her breath. She voice was shaking harmoniously with her shoulder.
"Then don't lose him,"
"I'm scared, I'm scared, Nana."
"Life is the biggest Casino, where you bet yourself. And no one knows how much would it cost you if you ever fail. But it is much greater than you asked if you ever win. The only difference between this casino to any casino exists, you'll gradually lose even if you never drop a bet when you never take a risk. You'd be losing so much so don't take long in deciding where and what to stake." And she stopped sobbing yet her tears kept falling.
"I only need a break, I have been losing so much. I need a break," she insisted.
"You must keep going, backing down was never a choice and will never be." Her past had destroyed her, now she couldn't fight and continue. All she wanted was to cut the chain of her misery and start a new life, which she has right now. But the fear and pain kept hiding behind her shadow which she couldn't cast away.
"Rest for now, don't be so cruel to yourself. Everything shall pass and one day, all you do is be proud of yourself cause you survived." They went to her room after she drank her water and Fera fell asleep in her arms.
While Fred was listening to their conversation using his cellphone, which was connected to Nana Felly's, he park a few meters away from her apartment. Once he made sure that she had fallen asleep, he went to her. As he opened the door of her room, he found her peacefully sleeping. He signaled her nanny to leave.
He sat down next to her carefully and wipe her face. He might act harsh toward Fera but they share the same pain. Every time she would fall into tears, he would blame himself. His heart tightened seeing how wrecked she was.
"How many times will I fail to protect you?" His whispers were soft but firm. I was filled with disappointment and anger.
"Am I the one who's making your life miserable? Did I go beyond the limit of protecting you?" Questions, all he had was questions he couldn't ask her personally.
"You are too fragile to fall in love. You can't afford how much it would cost you. He will dig down to your deepest secret. He will only reopen the covered wounds, am I wrong sending you those warnings?"
He was watching her face, her fierce and strong features. But something clutched his heart even more. A tear escaped in her left eye, her right eye followed and he watched how those tears ran down her pale cheek.
"Am I ruining your life even in your dreams?" A hurt chuckle escaped from his lips and wiped her tears.
"I am never a villain, Fera. But if I ever do, it will surely be for you. Sleep for now my unfortunate cousin."