With each passing day, I feel more and more distant from Mar. I was afraid that I might never be able to return to him as a friend.

It hurts me to avoid him but this is the only way I know to forget how I feel because I know that even if I go back to him, we will not go back to where we were before as long as I feel something for him.

I turned to Mar as the teacher classed ahead. Mar smiled happily as he chatted with the men next to him. She was so happy. I feel like I don't have to go back to him anymore because he can be happy without me.

I bent down to hide my watery eyes. The hard part is when it hurts, I barely understand every lesson because Mar occupies my whole system.

As I bent down, a hand dropped a piece of paper on the armchair. I was surprised so I looked up but the person immediately disappeared. I slowly picked up the paper and opened it.

"Please give me a smile." There is even a drawing of a smiling face

I turned around and saw nothing suspicious. I turned to Mar and saw that he was still happily chatting. It became a big question for me as to who the letter was from.

I just hid the letter I received in the notebook. I can't think of anyone else to do that. At first I thought of Mar, but based on what I saw, it looked like he wouldn't do that because he was happy in the company of his friends.

When class was over, I went to the cafeteria alone which even though I’ve been doing it for a long time, I’m still not used to it. Something is missing. I miss Mar. I’m excited for him to appreciate me. In his treatment of me as a woman.

I sat quietly on the side of the cafeteria where Mar and I always sit. I also brought the food I always ordered.

"Hi, Jan can I join?"

I looked up at the man who had spoken and saw a familiar face there. I knew he was my classmate but I never knew his name. I thought for a moment. "Sure why not," I said casually.

"Thanks," he retorted and seemed excited to sit next to me.

I didn't say anything because I had a strange feeling for this man. I'm not comfortable. I was taken aback by his presence.

I have already started eating.

"By the way, how are you?" he breaks the silence.

"I'm good, are you?"

"Copy paste," he laughed. "But why don't you seem okay? I always see you in the plaza and you look so sad. I also often see you alone."

"What's your name?" I changed the subject. I don’t like the flow of the conversation.

Draw the sadness in his eyes. "Aw! We're classmates but you don't know my name? You didn't know I existed. Ouch!" he was even held to his chest.

"You're a transferee, aren't you?" I asked.

He nodded and laughed. “It’s no wonder you don’t know me because I always see that Mar gets your attention,” he concluded. "In that case, I'll introduce myself. I'm Ken, 17 years old, single and ready to be taken," he introduced himself and laughed.

I nodded. It’s amazing that he’s single despite his handsome face that if I didn’t love Mar, I might have an admiration for him. “Now, I know you,” I said.

"Don't forget my name, huh? If you do, I will kiss you," he said rudely. He laughed. "Oops! It's a joke," he recovered, then burst out laughing.

I just tried to laugh. Isn't this man aware that I'm not a woman so he can joke like that? I became more and more uncomfortable with him.

I lost my focus on Ken when I caught sight of Mar with his male friends. Our eyes met. He turned away from me and turned to Ken. His forehead furrowed, then his eyes returned to me. That happened again and I avoided it. But why is that? Why does Mar seem angry? Doesn't he seem happy with what he saw? I quickly dismissed that thought because I didn’t want to hope.

"By the way, aren't you and Mar friends, why aren't you together anymore?" Ken said. Gradually I began to feel annoyed with him. Is it just that he knows a lot or is he really gossipy?

"Sorry, Ken, I have to go. I still have assignments to do in the library," I said and stood up. I left Ken there with nothing more to say.

I turned to Mar's seat and saw that his eyes were on me, that was speaking. He seemed to like my leaving there and suddenly the expression on his face changed.

I knew my eyes were only fooling me because I never knew I would never see jealousy in Mar’s eyes. I'm just his friend and that's all I know and it'll stay there until then.

-

"Hey, Jan!"

I turned around when I heard Ken call my name. I stopped walking, I was currently in the hallway on the first floor of the building. "Why?" I ask directly.

He bent down and placed his palms on both knees. Her every breath was also deep which was obviously tiring. "I-I'll just go in with you," he said almost intermittently.

"Why do you look so tired?"

"It's been a while since I saw you so I have to run fast, I'm a good runner," he explained as if he was a proud runner.

"Like that? You shouldn't have just chased me," I said.

"No matter how far you are, Jan I will still run to catch up with you," he said meaningfully.

I quickly averted my eyes from him. I couldn’t understand what he meant.

"What?" I just said.

"Let's go." He straightened up when we went and nodded. I stepped forward and he followed.

"By the way, why do you always want me with you?" I asked curiously as we walked. Ever since we met in the cafeteria, he has often accompanied me.

He turned to me. "Is it forbidden?" he asked.

I went too far. "No, it's just that you don't know I'm gay? You know people's minds, don't you? You haven't done it yet, you've done it in their minds," I said.

"I don't care what they're going to say about me, Jan. What do I care if you're gay? Doesn't matter to me. I just want you to be my friend, is there any problem about it?" he replied seriously.

I couldn’t help but be touched by what he said. I suddenly remembered that Mar was like Ken, he had the same mindset. "But maybe because of me, people will change the way they look at you. And I don't want to be the reason for that, Ken. Because I've been in situations like this so many times. I have had a lot of friends before but suddenly they've left because of those people who did nothing but think bad things about us. Mar is the only one left with me." I suddenly stopped when I mentioned that name which I did not intend to.