THE days went by, Mar and I became even closer to each other, but more and more people were judging the two of us. They think that Mar might be gay too that's why he always goes with me and we heard from them that maybe we already have a relationship. Every time we walk down the hallway together, I feel guilty for both of us.

“We don’t owe them an explanation, Jan. Say what they want, they can't make them famous,” he said softly when we arrived at the school cafeteria. We hear a lot of gossip about the two of us.

"Are not you tired? I feel that I put you in shame, Mar,” I said sadly.

His face was flushed. "Why you're so dramatic," he said as if he was gay. He even laughed. He even messed up my hair.

I bowed slightly and laughed. "I'm just practicing because I'm going to join a dance club," I told him back.

His forehead furrowed. "Huh?" Next was his laughter which was so soothing to listen to. "Wait me here, I'll just buy our food," he offered since he already knew my favorite food.

A sweet smile was left on me as I watched him towards the counter. I was so lucky with him. I was so lucky that I had a friend like him. And I don’t want to waste that.

"Here's your favorite," he said when he reached the table we were occupying. He laid out in front of me my favorite spaghetti and burger.

“Thank you, Mar,” I said with a smile.

"You're welcome," he said. “By the way, this weekend let's go out. I have something to tell you,” he added. He looked up at me for a moment.

Suddenly it was as if hot water poured down my stomach from what I heard. So many different ideas come into my mind of what he might tell me. I was nervous as my heart beat faster.

"Ah, o-ok," I said.

Silence intervened between us as we ate. My mind was occupied with what might happen over the weekend. I'm nervous.

-

THE day of the weekend came. I woke up early because of the extreme excitement I was feeling. I could hardly sleep at the thought of the possibilities that would happen later. I was nervous and restless.

Earlier I was inside a mall, waiting at a restaurant there where Mar and I would meet. He texted me and said he was on his way. I was already so excited and nervous.

A few minutes passed, and I saw Mar approaching. He immediately smiled at me. He was very handsome wearing jeans and a white t-shirt.

"You're too early, Jan, ah?" he said.

"Not too much," I said even though it was true. He sat down on the front bench.

"Are you hungry? I will order," he said.

I just nodded. He called the waiter and ordered food.

“Hmm! Are you too prepared, Mar? You look so handsome,” I commented to him with a smile.

“Really? Is that what I'm wearing?” He seemed happy and excited with the question.

I nodded, then gave him more thumbs up. "That's the thing," I said happily.

Why do I feel that even if I'm the only one with him, he still doesn't seem like he's fixing it for me. Seems like he's prepared not for me but for someone.

I noticed him looking around as if looking for someone. "Are you waiting for someone?" I asked.

He turned to me, then just smiled. I was suddenly nervous again. Why is he so mysterious?

“Ahm! W-what are you going to tell me?” I asked full of courage.

“Ah, is that so? I will tell you later but before anything else, let's eat first," he said. We also have the food he ordered in front of us.

I was even more curious about what he could tell me. He is bothering my mind too much. Why didn't he just tell me?

I just don't talk while we eating. We just ate quietly while my mind was wrapped in curiosity at what he could say. Whether I admit it or not I have high expectations of what he will say.

"Why don't you even touch your food?" later Mar asked me when we finished eating.

"Ah, I get full so quickly, eh," I confess to him.

"Okay."

"Where are we going?" I asked. It's as if he has no intention of leaving this restaurant. I feel like he's waiting for something because he's been looking around for a while.

I was distracted when I saw a beautiful woman behind Mar, she was approaching our place. I was suddenly nervous and felt insecure. I do not know why.

"Hi babe."

I was surprised because Mar was looking at the woman. Mar turned around and that's how it was a pity to draw his face. "I'm sorry I'm late, there's traffic on the way, eh," the woman explained.

Mar stood up from the seat and kissed the woman on the cheek. "No, it's okay, Babe," Mar said.

I could not move. I feel cold water pouring on me in those moments. I can’t be fooled when I see it. That is the truth. It was as if my heart was pounding again and again because of the pain.

"Are you okay, Jan?" Mar quickly attended to me. "Why are you pale?" he asked worriedly.

I can't speak. I have no hard words to say. I was so surprised by what I saw. I was hurt because I relied on what he would say but now I know what it is.

I blinked as I exhaled. I feel like my chest is tightening. I calmed myself down and forced myself to be normal. They can’t perceive how I feel.

I smiled even though I knew it was just forced. "O-okay I'm fine, I'm just a little dizzy," I excused.

Mar took a deep breath. He has moved away from me. "Are you sure, you're okay?"

Why are you so kind to me Mar? Please, don't worry about me at least once. I wish I could have voiced that.

I nodded, looking through him and the woman with him.

Mar turned slightly to the woman and turned back to me. I already knew what he was going to say but he was obviously having a hard time saying that.

“Ahm! Jan, this is what I'm going to tell you,” he began, nervous. "Joyce, my girlfriend," he confessed.

It was as if an asteroid bigger than me had hit me. I want to disappear and get away.

I saw the woman smile at me, so I had no choice but to reciprocate as best I could. Even in reality I feel very insecure. Excessive jealousy.

I stood up to sit down. "Hi, I'm Jan, Mar's B-best friend," I introduced myself. Why is it so hard to say the term ‘Best Friend’? Why there's a pain?

“You are Jan? You know what, Mar is always talking about you. It looks like you're very close to each other. By the way, I am Joyce,” the woman introduced herself.

I nodded. Despite the pain I was feeling, there was still joy that emerged because of what the woman said.

“Mar and I are still friends in high school. It's like we're siblings,” I said despite the pain.

"That's why Mar is so happy every time he tells me about you."

“Oops! By the way, Babe have you eaten yet? ” Mar interrupted Joyce.

The woman smiled at Mar. "I'm full, Babe."

"Then, what do you want to do?" Mar asked.

"Let's walk," Joyce suggested.

I grabbed their attention. “Ahm! Sorry but I need to go to the restroom, you go first, I will follow,” I said goodbye. It's as if I can't do it if I go with them. I don't think I can handle this pain.

"Sure?" Mar asked me.

I smiled. I said goodbye to them again before they left. I quickly went to the restroom. When I got in there, I entered the vacant cubicle. I bit my lower lip at the same time as tears dripped from my eyes, relentlessly.

It actually hurts. Shouldn’t I be happy because I know Mar is happy with his girlfriend? But why can't I? I am not happy because I feel so much pain and sadness. I want to shout and bring that out.

Now I have so much proven how hard it is to fall in love with a friend. Aside from the fact that you are not sure that he loves you too, you are also afraid that if you admit it, you will lose the friendship you have built for a long time. But by not admitting it, you will only be hurt and he even knows.