Sadie

I dreamed of being on the stage, singing the songs I wrote, hoping it would inspire others. Today, I am going to achieve it. I always have my dreams shattered by basic bitches but now, there is no turning back. I can now wear what I want, move how I want, show who I truly am in front of people I don’t want to back down. This is the time where I don’t need to second guess every move I make or every word I spit. This is the chapter of my life where I can finally let go of the things I tried so hard to hold on to. I can finally be free, and this time, I won’t hesitate bitch. I took a deep breath, the screams of Agon Bain flooding in my eardrums. I have my eyes closed watching a film where I can take off the wool and grow fur. But what if this is the setup the universe has made to trap the wolf...In a place where trust is a rare find, should I do this? Will I be able to?

The music I’m playing stopped when I heard my alarm, which is another song as well. Run baby run, and don’t ever look back… and I turned it off before it finishes. No, I won’t hesitate. Not anymore.

 I sat up and saw my laptop which I set aside a while ago. It is a silver HP and its back has dozens of stickers, mainly band logos. I set it back on my lap and opened it again. I stared at the email and reread them for the 309th time--yes, I counted them since last night. This is the proof where I shouldn’t back down.

 I put it back on my bed and stood up. Since I already took a bath, I just went straight to open my closet and browse through what I should wear. My closet is mostly covered in black like the band shirts I randomly bought off Shopee, the ones I bought in the mall, some colored ones I was forced to buy, and the rest were skinny jeans and a few skirts. I don’t normally fix myself, but these days are not one of the normal days. This is not the day where I will be stuck with a sister who shits on me all morning, not the day where I will spend my time drowning myself in both my favorite songs and shitty homework. This is the time where I will put on a lace skirt, my Hearts In Circle tee, 4-inch heel boots, a floral choker, all in black. I did my “signature” eyeliner-lipstick make-up combo before I backed away from the body mirror beside the door to see what I looked like.

The skirt has three layers where the first one is a soft cloth to cover my thighs from the knee up, the second is the lace which has thorns, vines, and roses designed on it and the last is just a simple black see-through lace from the waist down to my feet. Over it is my shirt tucked in and to my face are a dark purple matte lipstick and an eyeliner that most 2000s emo guys wear. I give myself one last look where I see all my flaws. My chin doubles, every time I look ahead, my thighs rub against each other underneath the skirt and I can feel the band tee touching my stomach. Fuck, why do I even remember insecurities? I have no time to change to something different. I think I look fantastic in this outfit at first so I will make my mind stick that way.

I get my navy blue crossbody bag, put in all necessities I can use: ethyl alcohol, hand sanitizer,--just in case the alcohol is not enough--notebook and pen,--for writing songs and feelings--wallet, cellphone, and the most important of all, earphones before I head out feeling confident, literally not giving a shit anymore. Kind of regret, kind of not. Because as I went down, the first words I hear are “What the fuck?” I turned around and saw my sister, on the couch with her phone held up, it seemed like she’s talking to her friends. Now she is looking at me, up and down. “Where are you going?”

I did not tell anyone else about this concert because 1. Trust issues; 2. They might trash the whole concert, especially my sister.

“I’m just going with my friends-”

“Looking like that? You look like a low-budget EGirl or something.” I can hear faint laughs from the video call. My sister chuckled after. “Don’t try to be in line with the trends, it looks shit” Then finally, she went back to her phone.

I look at her one last time, thinking maybe she’s right. But I am sick and tired of this. I opened the door and headed out. I heard an I will tell mom you did drugs and party before I close the door shut. I don’t give a shit anymore. I don’t want to be scared. Besides, I don’t even dare to touch any alcoholic beverages, let alone do some fucking drugs. Mom knows that so why would I give a shit about my sister anyways?

It takes less than a 10-minute walk to arrive at a small store where I loaded my phone. I already have a lot of messages popping in after I opened my data. I browse only at our band group chat.

Elecguit: Are y'all getting ready yet?

Drumbob: Not yet. I am near the place anyway so I will just change later

Elecguit: DUDE WHAT THE FU-

AllAboutThatBass: Aust did you just

AllAboutThatBass: Cut off what you said?

Elecguit: Dude I don’t wanna bad word

AllAboutThatBass: Lol yeah right

Elecguit: Anyways, BOBERT YOU BITCH you need to pick out your clothes~ 

Elecguit: It’s freaking HEARTS IN CIRCLES WE ARE TALKING ABOUT HERE! BE PRESENTABLE BITCHES!!!!!

Elecguit: DON’T TELL ME YOU ARE GONNA DO YOUR SCARF AND FEDORA COMBO WITH THAT BORING WHITE SHIRT AND BEIGE PANTS!

Drumbob: DON’T SLANDER MY FASHION CHOICE

Elecguit: IT’S NOT FASHION BOB IT’S A CHOICE!

Drumbob: Hey fuck you!

Drumbob: your skinny jeans and converse like a wannabe 2008 emo guy is a choice as well!

Elecguit: GASP! How fucking dare you

Elecguit: !!!!!!

I scoffed. Damn idiots. I just watch the chatroom filled up with Bob and Austin attacking their fashion choices and Liam trying to stop them. 

“Assholes.” I chatted.

Me: Just get dressed and we’ll see who wear their clothing well

Drumbob: Yeah right as if you got fashion sense, Sadie

Elecguit: OH MY GOSH SADIE PLEASE TELL ME YOU WORE THAT PLEATED SKIRT AND ANYTHING BUT YOUR HEARTS IN CIRCLES TEE

Me: What’s the problem with the tee?

Elecguit: AGON BAIN WILL THINK WE ARE TOO OBSESSED OR SOMETHING

Me: My body my choice Austin

Elecguit: MY ASS SADES

Elecguit: Sorry Sades I don’t mean that please don’t hurt me

Drumbob: AGON IS NOT JUST THE ONLY MEMBER OF THE BAND AUSTIN

Elecguit: I KNOW BOB! 

Elecguit: BUT I LIKE HIM SO SHUT UP AND EAT MY ASS

AllAboutThatBass: I’m sure there will be no problem with the tee

Elecguit: There is!!! We need to look like a formal band not a bunch of fangirls

Me: You know what? Let’s all just calm down, get dressed, and whoever wore shit best will be getting whatever they want. The losers will be splitting the money and pay. No sending pictures. Deal?

And with that, these dumbasses went crazier in the chats about rummaging their closets and looking for the best one they could have, including the not-giving-a-shit Liam. I don’t know if what I did fixes the solution or makes it worse but for whatever.

My mind starts questioning my choice of clothing, which sends me back to square one though I silence them by playing my playlist on shuffle.

Finally, I thought. This is it.

The world is giving me a chance where I could finally shine and be able to change the world. There’s no wait, I'll ruin it. I am like Juliet that We The Kings has checked yes. In my head, that song is meant to be my love letter to this day.

"Run, baby, run

Don't ever look back

They'll tear us apart

If you give them the chance

Don't sell your heart

Don't say we're not meant to be

Run, baby, run

Forever we'll be

You and me"

Yeah, that’s right, me and my dreams coming together in this forbidden love and saving the planet from the selfish society. What a love story worth telling, and retelling.

But then behind me, I heard a familiar voice calling out my name. I stopped in my tracks. I am so close to where the concert is taking place. Just 20 minutes more of walking and I’m there. But no, the roads did not make it easy for me. 

I stopped in my tracks. And there I saw them. The guys who tried to touch Georgia.

>< <> <> ><

Good news: it’s not the five of them so I can use a bit of my krav maga.

Bad news: I might not win if they challenge me to a fight. Back then I confidently took them down because they are just a bunch of sticks but the three that I am facing right now have...leveled up or something. They are now buff, not super buff but I can see the muscles on their biceps. Even one has abs--the dumbass has his shirt off in the cold cold night. Their green and blue shirt and one’s red hair on top of their baggy pants made them look like some cheap porno versions of Rowdyruff Boys.

“Looks like Dasie is becoming a woman now~” The rest laughed at what red hair said. What made me hate the red hair more is not just that they call my actual name. When they walked closer, the only dye in his hair was on the tip of his fringe hair, the streetlight over them emphasizing it. Disgusting.

Standing three feet apart from them, I scrunch my eyebrows and form a frown looking up at them. They are so tall that my heels aren't tall enough to level their chest. That’s what happens if you stopped drinking milk at 4’10.

“And looks like you got period blood on your hair.” The two oh-ed when period hair just smirked. “That hair was a choice, dude.”

“We have a name, Daaaiiisiiee~” and they laugh. “But I guess you are now ‘Dased’ and confused.” They laughed again at their poor joke.

“Oh sorry, I don’t give a shit about your name, and I don’t even want to see your ugly faces again.”

Greenie walked forward, a bit closer than Red. “Aww~ So all this get-up was not for us?” He cooed to which they laughed again. Ugh. Their bullshit is not even funny.

“Where are you going huh? On a date?” Said the Pee shirt.

Green scoffed. “Don’t tell me it’s with Georgia.”

“Gosh, I already knew you like her so much! Only lesbians ‘save’ girls from men who are trying to get their heart.” and the others agree in laughter--when will they stop laughing at their stupidity? They also say slurs along with words like lesbians are only afraid no woman would like to get them and seriously all they need are men to get their shit together.

I sighed. I forgot they are also a bunch of homophobes.

I ignore their disgusting blabbers. “And where are you going? Shooting a low-budget porno?”

They laughed, again, but it suddenly turned to smirks. “I guess,” the Reddie said. “And you are going to be the star.” 

The reaction comes first, which sucks because before I get to prepare myself to run, Pee shirt and Green snot just held both of my arms behind. The wires of my earphones--which are still playing a song--got slightly tugged during the process.

Period hair walked a little closer with a grimace painted on his face. “I will make sure you’ll know we are better than women.” and they all chuckled evilly. Inside, I am panicking, my mind left empty except the words this is the end of me and my heart racing like it will make me run just as quick. I tried moving my arms but they are gripping it too tight. I can’t even feel it move at all. This made me more anxious because if I ever did tell the police they have hurt me, I won’t know their names and no one is around in this quiet street. Should I not need to wash my hands to identify the fingerprints?

Good thing, someone called on Reddie’s phone. “It’s mom.”

“Just pretend your phone doesn't have any battery. Turn it off.” Yellow said. 

“No, I got my data on, she is calling from Messenger.”

“Oh, c’mon dude!” Green said. “Just ignore it.”

“The last time I did, they found out I was in a club and GOT GROUNDED. For ONE. FUCKING. MONTH!” Red raised his voice asserting dominance over these two bitches being a bottom for him. “Don’t let that bitch get away. I will go far enough so mom won’t hear her screams. You can start touching her boobs. Don’t start down without me.” With that, he walked behind us and answered his phone like he got 99 on Values. 

Now, kids, I started to panic at this part. But I remember that brushing your teeth three times a day is important and so is wearing heels. You can apply these two in any situation. Eating well and making yourself tall is great but it is also great for stomping on exposed feet and biting a veiny arm. One of the things I’m glad I did when I was 13 is to learn how to walk fast in heels.

As I reminded myself a while ago that it’s better to walk annoyed at a busy city than a dead silent shortcut, I did what I was told. By myself. Thanks, brain, I guess.

I can hear footsteps coming at me and shouts of bitch you will never get away with this! As I turn to the corner where I hear chatters from people getting louder. A song is still ringing in my ears as Agon screamed:

"THE WORLD IS CRUEL

THE WORLD IS UNFAIR

BUT WE SHOULDN’T BLAME THE WORLD

FOR ITS PEOPLE THAT NEVER CARED

NATIONS SHALL UNITE

BUT WE CREATED WARS

I CAN’T BELIEVE MOST OF YOU BELIEVE IN GOD

LOVE IS PATIENT AND IS KIND

BUT ALL YOUR PEOPLE ARE AGAINST ALL ODDS

AND BEING DIFFERENT IS A CRIME

WHAT DO YOU GET FROM THIS

WHAT DO YOU GET FROM THE FIGHTS

BRUISES AND SCARS 

WON’T MAKE US STRONGER IN TRYING TIMES

JUST DROP THE FUCKING PITCHFORKS

CAN’T WE HAVE ONE DAY OF PEACE

WE ARE CREATED TO BE ONE

NOT FOR EACH OTHER TO FEAST"

While the song was playing, I turned another corner and I now remember why I turned to the other route. This is also Anya’s day and I am behind another exit of this mall, where it is full of millions of fans and there is also a traffic jam on the road.

I examine the scene: There is a barricade around the sidewalk where the fans are waving their stuff. On the other side of the barricade, there is a small space I can pass through, or at least my fat ass could try. I hear the footsteps behind me inching closer so I was left with no choice. 

I manage to slip myself in between this limousine and the barrier is quite difficult, also I’m on heels which fucking hurts from all the runs. At the end of the barricade, I slipped and fell to the ground. 

I composed myself, my hands and knees on a red carpet then slowly stood up. Besides a thousand lights in the corner of my eye, I see a bigger man in all black already beside me. “Kid, you are not allowed here.”

I looked around and people kept staring at me, including Anya, her--alleged--boyfriend, and mother in between the red carpet. 

My chest is heaving up and down. “Look, let me explain.”

“You should be at the barricade, kid.”

“I’M NOT A FAN OKAY?” I blurted loudly, which made the rest dramatically gasp. “The whole road is in a traffic jam and regular people cannot walk and the sidewalk SIDE. WALK. It’s called that for a reason. Now let me get to the other fucking side!” I am still running out of breath but not as much. My eyes shifted back to Anya. They are close enough to see the blazing orange eyes,--probably contacts--blonde wig fitting her perfectly, and her lips, covered in light pink matte, slightly open. I can’t tell if she is afraid or just shocked at my entrance. I hate to admit, she may look like a modern Barbie, she looks much better in person. 

I look at the bodyguard, I suppose, opening a way to another narrow passage. 

“Get out! You ruined this special day!” I heard the mother say. Oh yeah right. Anya and her mother are like this. Fame and fortune are so in their heads that they are rude to those who are not on the same level. What a waste of beauty.

“What is special about that outfit ma’am? Is it your 50th birthday? Or you are just trying to be a walking Oscar trophy because you know you can’t get one? We know you’re rich, you don’t have to brush that shit in our faces. Just pay your people enough. But on the other hand, if you commit to wearing gold, paint your whole body as well. ” I smile my fakest smile and their reactions are priceless. Some choked a laugh, others are holding it and, finally, the mother is looking at me with both disgust and horror. That’s when I knew I exposed that shit. I turned to the guard to thank him and struggle my way out of the barrier.

>< <> <> ><

I think I lost them. Finally. I walked slower and kept walking. I stopped the music after I got out of that embarrassing red carpet situation because I felt too tired. I checked the time, 30 minutes before the show, then the messages from my bandmates looking for me. I took time to open the notifications and typing that I am on my way but then…

“BITCH!” I stopped in my tracks and it’s the perverts, holding juice boxes. They separate their backs from the wall outside 7Eleven. I step my left foot backward, the ball of my foot is pressing hard on the insole of my heels. As I saw them launch, I turned and ran for my life, again. I run in different directions, having no idea where I am heading. I turn, thinking it will be the alleyway that leads to the other side but instead it’s just a long alley with a dead end. I see a big metal trash container leaning on a wall not too tall. I can’t go back to the streets, I need to make the right decision, right away, right now. 

I tried to breathe slowly through my strawberry-scented hand sanitizer. I am sitting down on an almost empty trash container, where I am accompanied by three trash bags that smells like dead rats--I fucking hope not. On the other hand, I chatted with my friends saying I might miss some parts of the show. Glad they were now in. Austin sent a video of the show about to start in five minutes. I smiled at it but then I heard voices. I close my phone and keep quiet.

It sounds like the three of them and is having a conversation.

“Dude we lost her.” Said Yellow.

I heard a kick from my side of the trash can which also pains me a bit. “Fuck it!” I heard Period Hair shout. “I will go to jail for this now.”

“I’m sure not,” Green reassures. “Bet she is too pussy to tell the police and no one would believe her! She needs evidence!”

One of them sighed. Red, I assume. “Let’s just go. I’ll beat the shit out of her once I see her next week.” 

I sighed in relief but I clasped my hands quickly when they opened the lid of the trash container. Luckily it’s the one on the other side. I watched three juice boxes plop and the lid was closed shut, footsteps then started ascending. I dropped my hands to the side and sighed. I put them back on my face right after because of the smell. Gosh, I deserve a reward for staying here for 10 minutes.

I was about to get out when I heard heavy breathing from the outside. Shit, what now?! Then I heard a soft familiar voice panicking about what to do. I start to hear faint roars of a crowd, I presume. I slowly open the lid to take a peak. It’s Anya, fear written in her eyes.

What the fuck is she doing here?