Anya

I dreamed of being on the stage, singing the songs I wrote, hoping it would inspire others. And I have achieved it. I just never thought I wouldn't get to love it. My dreams have shifted ever since I let them take over everything; my heels, my clothes, my makeup, hell even my hair. I looked at my feet wearing a glittery 5-inch and thought, what if I could smudge this makeup all over my face? What if I could just take this blonde wig off, ruffle this white royal dress, and take these heels off? Then I could just run...But should I? Can I?

“Hey, Anya!” And suddenly, the thoughts stop. I am back again in this stadium filled with empty seats. The faint instrumental of my song is echoing in this big dome but it suddenly stopped. My eyes are now focused on the same dance instructor I had during all my concerts. I can feel the glare of his blue eyes slowly turning me into ice. “What’s happening?”

“I’m sorry I am just lost in”

“Well, you cannot be acting like that in front of your fans! You need to get out of your head and kill it there!” It should be a motivational speech, which I am forcing myself to take like that, but his deep voice and roar of orders make me feel like I am in the military. I sighed and was ready to restart but then he told us to take a 10-minute break. I sighed once again as I exited the stage left with my backup dancers. Stepping down the small steps, I look up at the red empty chairs that will soon be filled with strangers who have loved me, the people who barely knew me but have supported me throughout my journey as a singer. I will never want to disappoint them.

As soon as my painfully high heels hit the ground, I felt a soft cloth on my forehead. My gaze shifted to Kade, his face’s alarmingly close that I first saw his hazel blue eyes. He is using his handkerchief to wipe on my forehead to which I don’t understand because I barely sweat and we are in an air-conditioned room. 

“Hey what happened?” He asked me.

I sighed and looked down. “Nothing much, really”

“Hey,” He lifted my head back up with his index and thumbs in between my chin, having no choice but to stare at his eyes. “I know you. It is just ‘nothing’. I am always here for you, you know that.”

I let out another sigh. “Well, I’m just worried about doing things wrong in front of my fans since I have to sing bonus songs I did not get to memorize and new dances as well.”

“Oh, I know you can do it. You’re Anya! The Philippine’s rising star!” He clasped his hands on mine. “You need to stay strong and confident.” He smiled, and I smiled back. I hope he believed in the lies I told. 

Kade called out to my dance instructor who was drinking a bottle of water on the stage. “Can you guys try the flying one now?” To which my dance instructor agreed.

I panicked. “Hey, I told you I am not prepared for that yet.”

“C’mon Anya, there will only be four hours left before your concert. I need to post an Instagram story about it so your fans will be more excited!” Before I scrunch my face, Kade held my cheeks with his two hands and put his forehead on mine. “You can do it, I believe in you.” A kiss on the forehead is what I got before I was sent back into the stage. 

As they put the straps on me, Kade is on the third row, phone already pulled out to record me for his Instagram story. I sighed--too many to count for today. Since yesterday, he posted more pictures and videos of me on his Instagram than my management and I could on mine, and he did the same today. But everything he captured today is what also went down yesterday--car trips, dance practice, recording for the bonuses, and another practice after the 30-minute break. I was then told to relax because they will lift me in a few minutes. I nod at the staff and look back to where Kade is. He gave a big thumbs up, signing that I can do it. Then I can feel the ropes pulling me up slowly. I watched as my feet left the stage. “You can do it, Anya!” I heard Kade shout. I feel my heartbeat increasing the higher I get so I just close my eyes and lookup. As soon as I feel my body tilt forward, I raise my hands to form a T. I pretend that I am an eagle, not taking time to claw hard on the bark and just fly. Like I’m taking a huge step quickly and not afraid of what will happen. I think I have an idea of what I’m going to do with this. 

I let myself visualize that I am a brave bird, taking new heights and detaching myself from whatever is keeping me on the ground. I feel like a bigger eagle with these gigantic wings and use it to take a huge leap--no, huge flight--of faith to take me to the place I want to be. One day, people were still below me, shining their lights to signal that they are still there with me although I am this kind of an eagle. 

“Okay, that’s good now.” I heard them say as I felt my body being lowered slowly. I was given a few good jobs, Anya by the staff, and a woohoo! I know you can do it! By Kade. 

I believe that I have the power to dominate the world, as they say--that I have an impact on my audiences with my songs and my voice, as Cosmopolitan says. Though, I can’t use them to take down what is stopping me from getting what I want because they are what lead me to where I am. I just kept all the weight to myself and forced them out on the stage, but they are all masked as well. It’s like I am on the Yellow Brick Road but with the Emerald City being farther away from me. Well, as they say, it was all tell-tales, all just a fantasy, a visualization. A sad and lonely brick road of false hope. All I gotta do is just keep following what reality has in store for me.

Though, what reality has given me, doesn’t always make sense at some point. In some of my music videos and concerts, my mom would always suggest these crazy props and stunts. What’s worse is she never tells me. Right now, I just found out my mom wants to add fire hoops behind me and a huge one in the center where I could be inside it. I have no idea why mom thinks of these things when it doesn’t make sense with what I plan for the album. It’s supposed to be the darkness and sadness of the world disguised as pop-sy, cute tunes and aesthetic if music critics look hard enough on my candy-coated lyrics. Why does there need to be a fire? According to the dance instructor: because we need a wow factor. 

Although the majority of my sets and plans are in the hands of my mom, the setlist is on me, the aesthetic of the album, and what I write--as long as it is not too “depressing” or whatever they say. I am at least lucky to have control over my art because there is no way I would let someone touch whatever I created with my bare hands.

We are now taking a longer break this time--one hour--in preparation for the big concert. I’m in my changing room, waiting for my hairstylist and my make-up artist to arrive. I am wearing a simple white T-shirt with a Minecraft painting print placed where my chest is and jogging pants, just chilling on the couch, which is placed right beside the door. I have a water bottle in one hand and a phone in the other. I saw a notification that I was tagged in an Instagram story so I stopped playing my Kleptocats: Cartoon Network game and proceeded to the story. I saw that it is from Kade: a picture of me sitting down, playing my game with one hand. I look to my left and stare at Kade smiling at probably the replies to the picture.

“Hey,” He caught me looking. Kade scooted closer to me and put his arms on my shoulders. “Look at this. A lot of people think you look cute. Oh! And they also thought we were cute together.” Then she showed a picture of me playing the game but instead, his face popped up close to the frame, showing a very silly smile. I scoffed a smile, which made him satisfied. He then lifts his phone and I see him and me on the screen so I flash my teeth. After Kade took the picture, he moved back to the end of the sofa. My phone popped up a notification again and it’s an Instagram post of us with the caption: Support our baby Anya for her concert. One hour more of waiting before it starts!

“‘Baby’?”

“What? They like it!”

And as I see it, it is flooded with comments of my fans shipping us, yet again, and telling us to get married already. “Geez. We’re not even in a relationship.”

“Just let them ship us, Anya,” Kade told me. He looked up from his phone and to me. “Let them enjoy this. You don’t wanna ruin the fun, do you?”

I sighed. He’s right, but it feels uncomfortable. My fans only shipped us when I told on live TV that Kade is, and I will say in verbatim, "my savior, like a kind of superhero." Though I was 17 at that time with little knowledge about Kade. I mean, he is a good friend in some parts. It’s just that I made a mistake for calling him a savior.

The time when I had my big break at 16, It’s been tougher than ever. I am always working to keep writing a hundred songs just to have the tens accepted, dance lessons, extreme diets, and else. Then I met Kade, the son of a politician. He’s just five months older than me and was 5’5 then but now he grew three-inch taller. I find him kind of cute then. He always spends time with me after voice lessons, dance lessons, and recording sessions. We would talk about a lot of things, play a few games, eat McDonald's together, and laugh about silly things-- just two typical teenagers being teenagers. This was the first time where I ever felt lonely that I have someone beside me and make me feel better. My savior, like a kind of superhero.

Though a year later, things have changed. I started opening up about my problems with my mom and what I truly want to Kade because I believed that he has been a good friend to me. Then that night, my mom confronted me and shouted at me about how I embarrassed her and myself in front of a senator’s son. She told me that I should be ashamed of what I’ve done and not repeat it.

The next day, I went to the recording studio and caught my mom and Kade talking. He’s been telling mom all along. It hit me like a brick wall, and it hurts how I cannot see what’s on the other side anymore. They have covered up every hole I could get past and now I am alone again.

I was brought out of my thoughts when I heard Kade groan. “What time will your stylists arrive? They need to be here by now.” I decided to say nothing. If mom were here, she would endlessly call them--or worse, fire them.

Kade put his phone down, for the first time today, and grabbed a remote. In the corner of the room, close to the door, the television is showing a newscaster in front of the mall where I’m going to perform. The background is filled with people crowding the entrance doors. Below is a banner with Thousands Of Fans Filled Up The Road For Anya’s Second Sold-Out Concert written. This means so much to me but I never found myself surprised. I got used to it, I guess.

With the same view still in the background, the camera is now focused on a woman in her 40s wearing a beige blazer and a white top underneath it. She is talking about my concert the other day and how its positive critics lead to tonight’s second concert. The camera then zooms out and beside her is my mom scintillating too brightly due to too much gold that is wrapped around her. With her glittery gold gown, she looks like she could be the living female Oscars trophy. The snatchers are probably somewhere out there with their hands itching to get her blinding jewelry. Though my mom likes this. She likes to be stared at. Maybe this is the reason why she is not here with me backstage when I need her the most. I’m here feeling nervous while she is out there getting screen time.

Finally, my make-up artist and hairstylist arrived. They hurried up to prepare my outfit for the first part of the concert. I sat in front of the mirror right after so they could fix me up and get me ready for the big show. 

The television kept playing in the background as I heard my mom being interviewed. “Miss Ellena Moore! I love your outfit today~!”

“Thank you so much! Just loving all the glitz and glam~!” Number one, still with that same posh voice, two, glitz and glam? Cringe.

“So Anya’s solo concert, Candy-Heart Habitat, sold out on the first day! How do you feel about your daughter’s success throughout the years?”

“Well, it’s her first time holding a worldwide concert and I never felt more proud. She is a talented woman who has worked hard to achieve her hopes and dreams. I’m just here by her side to support her because I believe that she can do it. I’m so glad I knew her potential because now she is loved by many. She will always be an inspiration to all people who look up to her.”

The rest are just the reporter agreeing to my mom and asking more about her and how I was as a kid where they crack a few jokes and giggles as well. I tried to think about what my mom said. I am quite speechless because I don’t even know what to say to that. Should I be mad? Should I cry? I don’t think I should cry, I could ruin the makeup they are applying to me now. Should I feel thankful? After what she has said to me? After using me? 

“Twenty minutes!” I heard one of the staff yells from the door. The makeup artist and hairstylist are now done doing my make-up--a simple pink butterfly eyeshadow, coral blush, and soft pink lip gloss. I decided to pull the phone off the dresser to scroll on my social media. The first things that I see are my notifications flooded with minions of my fans. I saw their posts just a few hours ago where they were in the car on the way to my concert or showing off my merch and some videos of them singing along to my songs. I smiled a bit. The support my fans gave me is overwhelming in a good way though. This kind of love...Even I can’t imagine loving someone so much I’d let them take everything from me.

I look up and stare at my reflection. I can see the nervousness in my eyes. I never wanted these: all the cute looks, fancy clothes, pretending to be happy, pretending to be in love...This is not how I feel. I want to scream, I want to tear this dress off, I want to take off my heels. I want to take flight--I want to be free, away from this monstrosity I’m walking on. But I feel scared. 

What if the glitter wears off, the jewelry loses worth, and my shine turns to rust once I set free to do what I want. All my fans across the globe are all that I have that gives me strength, power, and love. They are all that I feel I can trust. Even if they did not get the SOS that was kept hidden behind the bubbly persona that is Anya Moore--ugh even I hate that name--Their smiles have helped me light up my lone forest. What if they go because this castle that I want to build was not the Candy Kingdom? What if they will not illuminate the dark skies anymore. As I fly, I am no more a butterfly but a crow flying free in the dark forest, with no lights, all alone...

I tried not to let it get the best of me. You got this, Anya. Shake your hands, roll your neck, and take a deep breath. You got this. Your fans out there will always be by your side. You better do well.

The same staff walked in and informed me that I needed to go there. Kade decided to wave goodbye and good luck for he has some business things to do. I manage to take this time to hug and thank my hairstylist and make-up artist for my sickening cute bubbly look--as Anya always is--and prepare myself. I dust off what is needed to be dust off and wear my 3-inch heels. I looked back at the mirror once again and took a deep breath.

For them--and only for them--I will never dull this sparkle.

It’s showtime.