Sadie

Just another day.

Another fucking day of suffering and cravings for death. I am holding the straps at the end of my backpack as I walk on a grey sidewalk on my way to school. It’s not the cold season but the wind is shaking the trees on the sidewalks. My red school skirt flowed with it as I shivered. Good thing I am wearing my plain black hoodie over my white blouse. I should let my messy bun down but I am too lazy. I could also lift the hood over my head but for the same reasons.

I can see half of the school which only consists of 2-meter tall white walls surrounding the school, which makes it look like a prison if they added barbed wires. I walked a bit faster, my black school shoes clacking on the concrete sidewalk. It will take me five minutes before I reach the gate. This makes my walk to school a 25-minute walk from home. I went inside the gates, not bothering to look or even say good morning back to the guards. I walk fast inside the school and into my class as if it will end the day faster. I am sitting on the steel chair I was assigned to sit on for the rest of the school year, head resting on my arms that are placed over my desk. I can hear my classmates that arrived earlier than I chitter chattering about assignments I already finished, quizzes I’ll probably fail, and their crazy, ugly and beautiful life they are living. But they were kind of a blur to my ear. I don’t care about what they have to say anyway. My eyes are closed and all I see is nothing, and nothing matters to me at the moment.

I felt my head being pat harshly. I look up and it’s my one and only friend in this class. “Hey, homo.” I hear the thump of her shoulder bag on the floor and the scrape of the chair as she sits on it in front of me. I groan and put my head back down. “Aww, what’s the matter? I Thought you’re excited about summer?” 

“I’m just...tired and not in the mood,” I said, not lifting my head. I hear her sigh and the next thing I know is that my hair is being pulled which is quite painful. “Ow!”

“Look at me.”

I did. I saw Georgia facing me, her arms resting on the top rail of the chair. Black hair, tied into a ponytail, Greek nose, round chin, and dark brown eyes--I mean who has blue eyes in this country? She’s wearing the full school attire without any add-ons; a white blouse with an easy-to-wear tie, a red skirt, and white socks under the black shoes. I noticed her eyes are piercing through my soul. “Is something wrong?”

“Not much.” I’m about to put my head down but she grabbed my hair again. “Ow! I swear nothing! I just cleaned the whole house and did homework and that’s why I’m tired.”

“Okay, fine!” she says it like I need to chill and puts her hands up to her chest. “Change subs: How’s the band contest?!”

“Nothing yet. I just submitted like..three weeks ago..”

“Girl~ You got this!!!”

“Psh! don’t think too highly of me”

“Bitch I won’t get off my high horse because I know you will get the throne. Oh-” She leaned closer, her face 3 centimeters from mine. “If you win, save me a seat in front. I want to scream bullshit at you”

I rolled my eyes, which she took as a yes because she winked at me right after. Shortly, Mrs. Sanchez went in and we stood up to greet her before our class started. 

Georgia is the type of student that almost all students hate. You know, when the teacher is about to go but they raise their hands and scream out “MA’AM YOU FORGOT OUR HOMEWORK~” then the rest just glare at her. If Ms. Domingo wasn’t the last subject, they might use her as a ritual sacrifice. She whispered to me that she did that because my “hard work” will be a waste.

I went forward and pass my paper before walking out the doors with Georgia. “So~? What’s your plan for your birthday?”

“Nothing.”

She looked at me shocked. . “What? Unbelievable!”

“You missed my birthday last year.”

“It’s because one, we were not that close; two, you never told me much; and three, who gives a shit about turning 17? IT’S YOUR FUCKING DEBUT~!” She then waves her hands in every jump she makes like the “fun” game show hosts. “18 roses! 18 gifts! Grand castle! Ball dances!And 18 boys waiting for the PRINCESS SADIE OZOA!”

I slapped her lightly, but she complained that it hurts. “Disgusting!” I pretend to gag.

we both giggled. “What~? It rings right”

”Nope.”

“What about Princess of darkness?”

I shrugged. “Hm. Maybe? But I still hate 'princess.'”

She rolled her eyes. “Ugh. Fine~! But when is the party?”

“What? I told you already—it won’t happen..” 

“Even a rock emo debut?”

I shook my head.

“Oh. Well, I guess you are not really a party person.”

Well, that’s not only the reason. It’s because I don’t want my mom to worry about finances. If only I could say that but I don't want people to give me pity eyes and I don’t want Georgia to give me money again like last time.

We reach the gate and we bid farewell to each other as we walk separate ways. I smile as I reminisce about the time Georgia and I met. It was when we were both fresh-faced in school. Skip forward to three months later, I didn't make friends that much and was a bit cold around others except when some of my classmates come near me to ask about the homework or some lesson or when buying tissues from me.

Until that time I was left cleaning the classroom and before I walked home, I decided to treat myself with a frappe as a reward. As I turned around a corner, I saw Georgia from afar with some guys from the school. I walked closer to verify my assumptions and she was in trouble. I tried to stop them with my five years of krav maga since I was 7, while ex-dad was still what I call 'good dad'. After that, Georgia started following me to the mall and paid for my frappe instead as a ‘thank you. The next day, I went to the principal’s office after school where I was called by the three guys that tried to harass Georgia—who were looking pretty with wounds on their faces—and our mothers’ glare at me, even mine. After what felt like almost an hour of parents screaming at me and my mom apologizing without them not giving me a chance to say what actually happened, Georgia burst out to defend me and told them the truth. Finally, the principal gave all of us a warning that if something like this happened again, we would be expelled. Then the rest of my friendship with her is history (by that I mean it took her talkative ass and my trust issues 5 months for us to be close friends.) I also did some other "controversial" things like "accidentally" coming out as gay so that one kid won't get embarrassed for being gay as well and speaking loud about the bad things some teachers did--they all quit school before the principals kick them out for their bad behavior.

Now I recall the time when my mom and I walked home after our visit from the principal's office. She was still very mad about that day because I hurt someone and it “ruined” her image, although I did it for good--and also the following things I did since she heard it from our neighbors who did nothing but gossip. I love my mom but there are just times where we don’t understand each other. Now I wonder if those guys’ mothers are wearing relief on their faces or are they mad because of their wrongdoings the way mom was...And if the guys are trying to be careful of harassing women this time or did they stop doing it the way I tried to stop hurting people, even for good reasons.

I took a 25-minute walk down the lower part of the suburbs. I stop in my tracks. I see a pathway, where nature is on display, beautifully crafted without man-made objects. The path is barricaded with fences though. I heard they would use the other end to expand a subdivision located on the other side; that’s why I’m visiting this place frequently. The sign written between the fence said !DO NOT TRESPASS! Like how will that stop me if the barricade is only up to my knees?

I walked over the fence and looked around if someone saw me. No one did. Most people around 2 and 3 PM are home watching a noontime show the majority likes so much, even the guards. 

I continue my way. I am walking on a dirt pathway. The trees are covering the sky, the breeze making its leaves dance over me. There is almost no light leading my way since the sun is close to set but I walked on this path quite a few times. I know where I’m going.

I only met the sky again when I turned to the left. I looked up and saw that the sun is slightly on my right, on its way to set. I keep on walking. I saw a few houses made of mangrove palm, bamboo, coconut wood, and other stuff I don’t know the name of. From what I’m seeing is that it is never made of strong materials like concrete. One would think “Who in the hell would still live in a house like that in 2018?” Well poor people who are not being taken care of by the government that is, or those who rather live a simple life. 

I saw five kids playing hopscotch in the middle of the road. They stopped playing as soon as they saw me and started running my way. I took my backpack off my back and pulled out my untouched bread with eggs and gave all five of them. I heard a man shout from not too far away. The kids look in the direction where it came from and bid farewell to me before they start running. I looked at where they were heading. There’s the man, quite old and has dark brown skin, standing in the middle of a rice field. He is wearing a straw hat, a dark blue shirt, and black shorts. I know him, not his name but I always see him. He must be the father of the kids. He waved at me and I waved back. We flash a smile at each other before we go back to what we are doing.

I continue walking. I pass by another forest before I arrive at my destination. A field of hills and some mountains with a few trees around it. I walk over a hill and sit down in the middle of it. I took my hoodie off and placed it over my backpack which is just beside me while a paper and pen are on my lap. My eyes are just glued to the sky as I let my mind wander. 

I watched the sun close to hitting the ground, the sky had shades of blue, yellow, and orange. The beauty of it is standing out with the hills surrounding me. I can’t believe they will destroy this place someday. I haven’t roamed the whole highlands to confirm if any animals are living here but this will be a good habitat for them. What a waste.

I start to notice that people are blinded by the beauty of the world. All they care about is how they will live, ignoring that Earth can’t breathe in the atmosphere we built. Sometimes I think positively that people would be smart enough to realize what they have done. But although the warning signs show, the privileged dumbasses make it much worse. I sighed and turned my head to the left. I see rows of houses from a few miles away, parts of them are covered with trees but I can see the roofs and some windows and balconies. One house is facing me, pink walls, red roof—not a good combination, to be honest—with a balcony. I wonder if they ever look at all these and think it will be shit if this beautiful view disappears…

I looked away. Fuck rich people. Why would I ever care about them if they don’t care about Mother Earth? Instead, I focus my eyes back on the sky. It is quite dark now, stars are surrounding me, winking at me even. Now I feel horny. (Not literally that. I meant that as a metaphor.) I look at every corner of the sky and it’s all covered with stars. I can imagine my eyes glistening along with the blinking space lights and my iris reflecting them. Ever since I was a kid, I have been so fascinated by the stars that my first wish was to be an astronaut. But my science grade was so low so I threw those dreams away. (Fuck memorization for fucking up my brain, and fuck my brain because it sucks at memorizing things. Also, fuck biology for showing dicks and vagina and now I’m traumatized.)

But it did not stop me from gazing at them because who wouldn’t? I close my eyes and feel the atmosphere around me. I feel a sense of comfort in my surroundings. The cold air hitting my skin, crickets ringing in my ears, and my heart beating in my chest. I smiled. This is my escapade. Although I am only feeling this today, at least I know what it feels like to be in a different world.

I opened my eyes and met with the same stars, still blinking and winking at me. My smile stayed. After what happened yesterday, I deserve this, I thought. I keep staring at the stars and I notice the moon is out of sight. I looked around but couldn't find it. I don’t know how that happened. I look back at the starry sky at the same time thinking where the moon might be. 

This just gave me an idea.

 I look at my notebook, still resting on my legs. I stare at the additional “plans” I made in my Build A Word section which are just a few. Then I turn the page far back to a blank page. I grabbed the pen from my school blouse and started writing.

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It’s 7 PM when I arrived home. It was just a 15-minute walk from the forest to my house since this part of town is close to it. I locked our metal gate as soon as I got in and walked to our door. The only light illuminating from the house is through the left window, which is the light from the stairs. I assume they are not home yet. I took my bag off my back and grabbed the keys inside the small pocket. I opened the door, locked it, and proceeded to go up the stairs when my assumptions are correct, or so I hope. If mom was here, she would be sitting on the couch playing Candy Crush while she waits for us but the living room lights are off. There is also no way my sister is here since she is having a cooking practice somewhere in her culinary school I don’t know, nor do I care. I'm just glad no one else is home yet. 

I dropped my bag beside my door and went straight to my bed. I reach for my laptop placed on the bedside drawer. I set it on my lap and press the power button.

I proceed to open my socials, check out what is happening around me. I see so many of my “friends” and mutuals sharing and retweeting posts about Anya Moore having a second concert tomorrow (or what pun-ists say “She’s having ‘Moore’ concert.” I have lost hope in humanity at this point.) They said that this is for those who did not attend the concert yesterday and almost everyone at school is attending. Everyone is celebrating and thanking Anya for it. It’s even trending number one worldwide, her songs are going back to number one. Damn, Filipinos sure are something. I don’t know whether it’s because Anya Moore is a Filipino who achieved something in America or she is just a good singer?

Not gonna lie, she has a good voice but the autotunes, the lyrics, and the vibe of the songs are just too mainstream--or maybe I’m just too emo. The lyrics are just too simple although meaningful. It’s just the same old pop songs where it can be about love, heartbreak, or being yourself no matter what they say; like she’s trying hard to go with the majority’s interests or something. I stopped scrolling at one post and clicked on the picture. It shows Anya posing for the cover of Cosmopolitan Magazine. The name of the magazine is written above but some letters are missing so it was edited like Anya’s head is covering it. Besides the drama article titles written on each side of the picture, there is also the word Proud Filipina! Written with a big font on the bottom left. She is wearing a modernized Filipiniana dress: a black crop top with red shoulder pads and a long red slit skirt, showing her smooth white legs. She is standing up, her legs crossed, chin resting at the end of her palm, eyes looking up, and her teeth flashed a smile. I keep staring at it.

  I would crush on her hard if she is not too pop for my taste. 

I close the page and just open my Gmail. Anya is not who I care about tomorrow. I immediately saw an email from ROCK OUT LOUD! Sent at 6 am with the subject title The Rocking Songwriting contest! My palms start sweating. The Rock Out Loud Songwriting contest...It is one of the biggest songwriting contests in the country (and the only rock-related one). It holds a songwriting contest every year but I only joined last January where the theme was “The World Is Against All Odds!” because it is related to my favorite local band, Hearts In Circle’s new album with the same name. Not only that but the band will also choose the top five winners who will be given free VIP tickets to their Sold out--I repeat SOLD. OUT.--concert PLUS they would also get to sing their original songs where they would get discovered by fellow fans. I wrote a song on my own and let my band, MisFits, do the instrumental. I can feel my heart racing. Out of all ten thousand who joined, there is no way I’ll get in. I can see the preview text which is just a greeting. My middle finger is slowly moving on the mouse pad until the arrow on my screen is on the email. With eyes closed and breathing inhaled, I press the left button below the mouse pad. It took me a minute or two to slowly open my eyes to read what’s on my screen:

"Good evening, Sadie!

This is ROCK OUT LOUD! The best source of news related to the hottest bands locally and internationally. 

We like to inform you that you are one of the top HOT picks of Hearts In Circle to be in their WORLD AGAINST THE ODDS concert tomorrow! You will be given four VIP tickets, as requested, and will be singing on the stage. To obtain the tickets, mention the name of the song you submitted to us to the ticket collector.

Thank you for participating! Keep ROCKING OUT LOUD! Sadie

xxx

Rock Out Loud! staffs."

I got in...My song...was chosen by the Hearts In Circle. MY FUCKING SONG GOT CHOSEN BY THE ONE AND ONLY HEARTS INSIDE THE FUCKING CIRCLE I CAN’T BELIEVE THIS! I try to catch my breath for a bit. Never have I felt so validated in my motherfucking life. 

I chat on my band’s group chat with my phone by taking a picture of the email and sending it to them. I turn my laptop off and lay down on the bed, my head on my pillow and my feet at the end of the bed--you know, like normal people do. I am just staring up at the ceiling. Then I squealed, my body moving around the bed. I might look crazy but I don’t care. 

It took me longer than a minute to stare back at the ceiling. My smile’s so wide it reached the venue where the concert will be held. It’s waiting outside the front door right now, it arrived ahead of me and the band itself, and it will never leave. It is the longest smile I’ve ever made right now, beats the long line from Anya’s concert yesterday.

This is it, I thought. My voice can finally be heard...And maybe I can change the world...Somehow…

I guess the world is not against all odds.