Sadie

It’s dark.

I was laying down on my bed the same way I usually do when I’m not sleeping: on my back, head hanging on the other side of the bed while on the other end, I let my feet scrape on the soft light brown carpet that covered the whole floor. It’s dark because my eyes are closed--duh I'm such a dummy.

I may not see anything, though I can hear something--the songs on my playlist ranging from My Chemical Romance to The Paper Kites. Now, I’m listening to Turns Within Me Turns Without Me. This suddenly triggered my mind and finally, I am starting to see something.

My mom and my sister--flashbacks from the past. The portrait of eight-year-old me with them and dad, showing off our widest grin. Until dad was cropped out of the picture and replaced us with another family. Now my mom was left hopeless in love and life but she’s still trying to keep things together. Maybe it’s because she still has me and my sister. I could say that my mom and I are quite similar. The only exception is that I am messy, quite lazy, and not smart. For short: I’m a disappointment. If I got to be honest, I should’ve been placed in a coffin for a long time but I decided to fight back as if I got something more to show. Seriously, I daydream a lot to the point I crash into a wall, I stutter when I speak, I read shit that won’t get me anywhere in life and I have to think for 3 minutes to find out what 6+9 is!; Like imagine walking up to me to have a normal conversation but I suddenly went “Hey, do you spot the differences of every species's feces?” I sighed. Why do I even exist up to this point?

Speaking of wishing I shouldn’t have existed, something like “hating yourself” is just too cliche these days. You know, the thing some people just put out into the world because they want to share their self-hatred and the rest do it just to get attention? Like how people confidently tweets how ugly they are and they don’t want the face they own but they have no choice but to suffer in it. Then their followers decided to butt in and say “No you’re so pretty~” or attack with reverse “hating-yourself” like “No~ You pretty, me ugly bleegh” or some shit. In my case, no one has ever disagreed with every negative thing I said about myself. Well, that’s what happens when people tell the truth, I guess.

There are so many things going through my mind every day. There are times where I just wanna slam my head because of the sudden embarrassing memories that come to life, some things are what is the square root of 900? 300? Am I right? And sometimes they are just anything I wish to be in and what I want to be as. Now, I have ugly thoughts stuck in my head. They’re like a combination of dirt, rocks, and lava I swallow while going on with life ‘til they curl up into one giant boulder that I want to blend into smaller portions and puke out for people to see how dangerous it is inside my head. But there are just different types of people that you won’t know what they will do after hearing this information. That’s why this boulder is getting bigger and heavier--who could I trust with these?

Trust. Promise. They are simple words when said but, in action, are really big words to drop; because they can’t stay with others. Like the time my dad once told me he loves us and wouldn’t leave us but then the second time I asked--this time, trying to stop him from walking out the door-- he said “No! I never did! I will never love life like this, especially with you!”

See? That can happen in our life someday. When we promise something too soon, we trust someone too quickly and up to the point when we stop trusting at all because we don't know who they are and their intentions. Not even those closest to you. I just hate how they tell me that they know me when they don’t. If they do know me, why did they not know the boulder I kept inside?

Then I heard a loud knocking sound banging endlessly. My wandering stops there. I took my earphones off and looked up where they came from. Everything I see is upside down including my older sister Angelica which is standing by the open door. She stopped knocking when I got all my eyes on her. “Get off the bed, we’re leaving in any minute.”

I sat up at the end of the bed, looking down and blinking to adjust my vision. My head hurt from all that laying upside down. I look up, finally getting to see my sister, and the whole room, right side up. My sister is wearing light blue baggy jeans with one rip across the thighs, and a tucked-in shirt with a bed of sunflowers printed on it.

“Where are we going?”

“Ugh, why do you have to ask?” She said in a cocky tone. “Can you just...Do it right away?”

I signed and I did what she told me. I stood and walked around the bed to my wooden closet at the very corner opposite the door, which is not a good spot at the moment because my sister did not stop right there.

“See, that’s the problem with you: you always stay in this trashy room all by yourself doing depressing stuff of whatever the fuck you do and that’s why you don’t know shit! You’re making yourself more like a dumbass by locking yourself here. When will you ever grow up?!” I did not say anything. I just look through my closet, moving racks and racks of clothing and pretending I can’t hear her. Angelica scoffed. “Childish behavior--like always. You pretend that you can’t hear me when you do! Here’s a piece of advice, Di: Fucking change yourself. Because those ugly weird things you’re doing are the reason why dad left us. And mom won’t ever lo-” Angelica’s voice is cut off by our mother calling her downstairs, sweetly. “Coming mom!” She screamed back at her with the same tone. She finally went downstairs, leaving me alone..again.

Well, she had a fair point. I should change. But before that, she should stop saying “like” in every sentence. My sister loved ex-dad so much more than I. She kept calling him dad although he’s the one who hurt us. Well, I can't blame her, she almost had his face! Angelica looks like ex-dad if he does drag! They both got the same tomato nose, the same almost non-existent eyebrows, the same way they scream at me and the…

Fuck Sadie keep thinking of funny things. Please don’t cry.

I’m still standing in front of the closet. My feet are shaking and my eyes are getting blurry. I can feel my heart sting.

Angelica’s words fell from her mouth, but it’s my heart that is breaking. Though my heart is still holding up to my chest. It’s just that the strings of my heart cannot hold it much longer that it wants to set it free and let it go. It seems that no veins would want to keep this living machinery beat anymore. 

I might start giving it the benefit of the doubt. My heart should’ve stopped beating a long time ago. But instead, I keep it up as if I can still survive this trench I’ve been put into.

But...Why am I suffering like this?

Do I deserve to live like this? For what reason? Just because I’m just simply Sadie Ozoa, that one weird kid who does things in her own way and not being like others? For fighting for her safety? Who “breaks the rules'' most people follow that feels wrong for me? Tsk! As if there are rules in life! There are obvious “rules” we need to follow like don’t commit crimes and be kind to others. But the rule book never said to not dress differently, to talk to anyone, or act the way others act!. First of all, what is this? Are we employees of the world? Second, do I have to talk to every person I pass by? And third, are we robots? We are made differently so why do we have to copy each other? So what if I’m just reading in the corner when others are with their friends? So what if I am sitting differently? So what if I am laying down with my head past the end of my bed? So what if I dream big? What is so wrong with the things I do? What even is normal? What even is accepted by the world?

I always wonder how the world even runs. But no one and nothing answered. Well as if it’s gonna be answered. God, you are the creator of Earth. If ever you are there, I need answers. Really because all in my head is just WHAT THE FU-

“Honey~!” I heard my mom from downstairs. 

I wipe my tears carefully with my hand, trying not to rub my eyes because it will make matters worse. “Ma-” my voice cracked in between. Fuck! I can hear footsteps getting closer. I close my eyes, think of something funny and hope for the best. 

“Di-Di~” I can hear my mom a few feet behind me. “You wanna come with us? We will go grocery shopping and after that, we will eat at Jollibee. Hmm?” 

Mom. Even after all the shit I’ve done, you still talk to me like when we were still kids. I turn around and you are by my door. She is wearing the red dress and purple velvet stilettos, the same outfit she wore when she and ex-dad went on their 15th-anniversary date. She had her black hair in a nice bun which showed her gold pineapple earring. Lastly, I look at her face. She’s smiling. Although she can be quite old now, she still looks like an angel who came into my room to save me. I don’t know why she looks so happy but I don’t care. I am happy to see her like this. The last time she smiled this wide was when we were kids, when my ex-dad is still with us. When we would still go to random parks and play before the sun goes down. The times where we would watch movies in our home because we laugh, cry, and scream too loud. I still remember how happy we were back then. I wonder if the reason behind the disaster we are facing right now is because he lied to us or because I decided to fight back.

“Dasie,” I snapped back to reality. I can feel my tears in my eyes again but I’m trying not to let it fall and hope my mom never noticed. Glad she doesn’t have her glasses with her. “Are you coming?” 

Maybe I should. I don’t want to disappoint her again. But what if I did? Maybe I’ll ruin it. Just like the last time I accidentally got lost in a mall because I was distracted by the tote bags. 

“Umm...Maybe not mom.”

I saw her smile drop a bit. “Why?”

“Umm...I have more things to do in school. I-I swear I’ll clean the whole house before you arrive.”

Mom sighed and looked down, maybe thinking. She looked back up. “Why do you always stay here? Aren’t you tired of it?” I just stared at her, right now I don’t know what to think. Should I change my mind? 

My mom keeps talking about how I should go outside but I cut her off. “Mom, it's fine. I mean I will go outside tomorrow anyways.”

She stared at me for a minute, maybe trying to look for somehow a hint that I’m lying but gave up right away. “Okay then.” She walked to me and hugged me. I hugged back. She has said something that hurt me then but who wouldn’t want to feel the warmth and love from the one close to your heart? I still love her. She is the only one who cares that I’m still breathing--and the reason why I do. I have done so many things that she deserves. She doesn’t deserve a mess, and I don’t deserve a mother like her.

She then pushed me a little bit to look at me while gripping on my shoulders. I could say we are staring at each other’s eyes but it feels like she is looking through mine. I smiled and tried holding back my tears. She then let out a small smile herself. If I got to be honest, her eyes and her smile are so pure it made me smile bigger.

“Okay.” She let go of me and walked back to the door. She turned her head one last time, keeping that same soft smile. “You want the ultimate burger patty with egg and fries again?”

I nodded, bringing her the biggest, and fakest, grin I could give her. She then told me to lock the doors and stay inside so I could be safe. I peered out of my room as soon as my mom went downstairs. I watch my mom go down and talk a bit to my sister who is holding the door open. It did not take a while till they all went out and closed the door. I let out a long sigh. I walk back to my bed while plugging my earphones back in. I lay back in the same position. I closed my eyes for a while and just went back to thinking.

I wish this world will one day realize what they are doing and decide to change right away. A change where I could wear what I want and love who I want and be who I am without feeling scared. Because the world is so cruel that even I can’t say what I want to say. 

Although I’m following the rules for a bit, I have to do something and I won’t let people stop me this time. We need to change the rules and the stinky system, and if I did not stand up for me and the rest who feel alone, then who?

I won’t let this world stay this way. It needs to be changed somehow. And it will change for the good.